the vacation and the aftermath

First of all, its been years since i feel like writing anything.

So, last 3 weeks i was in Switzerland...the place of my dreams and tha last 4 days was in Venice & Milano Italy.

The views, the scenery was everything i could ever wish for..the snows, the crystal rains.

But tour guides and the company, kinda spoils everything.

I was constantly feeling livid and angry to our guides, uncomfortable and annoyed to some toxic people in the group and to top it off, being invalidated,shut off and not supported by my own mom on the things that im feeling and going through just cause she wants to make sure she looks good in her friends company and her friends wont talk shits about me coz of me being so open and honest about how i feel. 

I cant run away, i was stucked with them the whole 2 weeks and at some point, my mom kinda resented when i got sick with my nonstop cough..but i was still going around with her and her group and being the proper tour guide to our shitty guides.

Im gonna update this as it is..but for now,ill stop here

untitled 2020

It's hard when your brain

tires you out

Feeding you different lines of thoughts

Fighting between holding on and letting go

Between hopeful and broken

Telling you that its gonna be okay

And telling you that you look pathetic

Whispering to you to keep on pouring your heart out

Then telling you that its just in your head

That you will keep on losing and breaking

Feeding you hopeful thoughts

Then making you anxious saying you're not even good enough

Telling you that different doesnt mean a thing

But then telling you again, that it wont work for him

Telling to just keep wearing your heart on your sleeves

Then telling you that it will only make you look desperate

I dont want to be pathetic

I dont want to be desperate

I just want to be true and not regret anything

Even if it goes down to nothing

It's tiring till my heart grows heavy

And being ignored and unanswered 

Makes the dark side seems like telling the truth

So should i give up

Should i give in

On this love?

-naraj2020-

Run

I tried to run from you

I tried not to be near you

I tried my best not to look at you

To ignore you, i do

But we end up in the same space

At the same positions

And i know you dont like it

I know it bothers you

Sorry that the universe keeps throwing us in the same place

Sorry that we end up together but far apart

Sorry if my existence making you feel forced

And be someone you dont want to be

So, I'm sorry

I did try to run

But i keep ending up back to you

-naraj2020-

rest in peace

Rest well dear heart

Maybe you will never find another soul

That would accept you

That would understand you

But you still have you

Grow well dear heart

Cause you will bloom

Even in the darkest weather

Even in the darkest hour

Like a lotus in the mud

Rest in peace dear heart

Cause one day

You will be the love that you need

You will see how beautiful the footprint that you leave behind in others heart

It may not be today

It may not be tomorrow

But you will be there soon

So rest in peace

Knowing that there will be light at the end of this tunnel

-naraj2020-

just a dream

It was just a dream

But it felt so real

I was scared looking at myself from the outside

Seeing how i was unraveling

And becoming that hopeless fool

Who let the person she gave her heart to

Completely used her and letting her fall to pieces

She cant say no

Coz she loves him so

Just happy getting his attention

Even when his heart was not hers

Even when his mouth said 'i dont like you'

But still, she let him in

Letting him getting her confused

And she keep asking why?

Why give her the attention and love

When you dont even love her

She was trying to hold on to that last piece of hope

And that was just in my dreams

But it still broke me apart

Messing with my heart

Thinking that if it was real

If it was true

Will it be true?