To that old dark place

Three years ago, something happen. My heart was broken to the point of where i was thinking about suicide to end it.  It was so painful and by the end of the day, my heart chose to be cold and jaded and shutting off any feelings that are near to affection or love.

Almost one year and a half i was living and forcing myself to keep on going because of how jaded i feel. I dont even have any care to the world or anyone, even myself. I starts to plan things to give me reason to keep on going, to keep living. But i still cant open my heart to anyone. My mom tried to have someone to open my heart again, my foster mom keep asking me to open my heart to someone she thinks would be good for me, someone who wants to marry me. But i just cant. I lost all hope and feelings of doing any of those. That is how jaded i am, that at one point, i kinda scared myself.

I prayed to God to open my heart again. To soften my heart. To make me feel love again. But i still feel nothing. I keep on living, planning to fulfill my childhood dreams, thinking maybe that could make me happy again, trying to get some excitement in my life again. Its easy to pretend to feels those feelings in front of people.  But inside, i just need reasons to busy myself. So i started working 3 jobs at a time. 24/7. I was rarely home. Even my family rarely see me around. Mom even have to make appointment to get my time.

One year and a month ago, when i was in Japan, living my childhood dreams. Someone from the past came knocking at my heart. Someone who i used to feel good with. Someone that i know without fail, used to make me laugh. He was the one who was able to tore down the walls to my heart and make me feel again. I feel alive and loved. And i fall harder in the next few months with all the attentions that he showered me with. I feel like i was his life and soul. I feel like he was there every single minute of my life because he never let me be alone even on my own. He will texts me and called me whenever he could. I was head over heels by the time he make me meet his parents and his family.

I keep praying that it would last. That this would be the one. Because i never felt so happy and so in love with anyone else. Up until when i found out something that breaks my heart and my trust towards him. It happen on the 100 days we were together. I was so devastated that i decided to let go there and then. But he fought for it. He fought for us. I never have anyone fought for me before, usually people just let me go. So i stayed, and tried my best to put my trust in him again. But by then, my insecurities issue have come up to surface again after my trust have been broken.

A year of going back and forth of me trying to trust him and figthing with him with his fondness of messenging or replying to other girls. Random girls, unknown girls. He keep telling himself and me that it was nothing, it was for fun and it meant nothing because it was not real, because he dont even know them. He didnt understand how betrayed i feel everytime i found out about that, even when i keep telling him that whenever he did that, he is breaking my heart.

After a year, my heart trying to get back to defend itself again. It keep getting hurt by being ignored, being broken again and again. He never bothered about us anymore. Calls are rare, going out or meeting each other only when i bought movie tickets that he want to watch, and i keep buying because thats the only way for me to see him at all. Overtime, i feel tired trying to keep this up. Trying to save us on my own. He didnt make any effort at all. So i decided to let go. Something that i never did and never thought that i would.

It was not easy. Despite all that happen, despite what he did, i still love him. So much that it hurts. I was still hoping for the old him to come back and save us. But its killing me when he decided to just let go and not give a damn. He didnt even fought for us anymore.

And now, i crave to be back to that cold place again. Its killing me to stay and its killing me more to let go. Because i love him and it hurts when he shows like he didnt. I want to be jaded again, before i go back to that suicidal girl again. This hurts too much now. I just want it to stop.

Sober

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Bitter

never knew i could feel like this
never knew i could love like this
never knew anyone would lie for this
never knew anyone can pretend something so real

all i ever want was to love
all i ever want was to be there
all i ever want was to make him happy
all i ever did was loving him with all my heart

but now all i ever knew was pain
all i ever did was cry
all the memories that remains
turns out to be just lies

i was invisible
i didnt exist in his world
i never did
when i made him mine

all thats left was bitterness
my heart was trying to mend itself
i dont want to cure in a bitter way
my heart should never be bitter

coz thats all i have left now
pieces of broken heart
that are full of love and hope
i dont want to be bitter
coz i am much better than that


-naraj2014-

bleeding...

Hurts

Never felt this kind of hurt before
My heart breaks everywhere i turned
all the places, all the faces

I live my life with him in every thoughts
with him in every decision
with him as the person i talk about
I've arrange my world to revolved with him besides me
the presents, the future...all with him next to me

his smell, began to fade
but his smile, his laugh, his voice
still stuck in my head
it hurts
when you love someone so much but you have to let go
it hurts
when you love someone but their love for you have fade away
it hurts
coz i still love him no matter what
it hurts
even when he betray me and i still love him
it hurts
when i was still in love but he moved on easily
it hurts
and all i want to do was to lay down and cry

love is not something i give in easily
and when i do, i will fight till i become numb enough to move on
i love with all that i have
and i love him too much to hate him

i cried to every song that we love
i cried to every movie that we used to talk about
i cried to every moments that we used to share
i cried to every picture that we had together
for every little thing...all i did was cry

my heart still bleeds
and it's unstoppable
i need him
all i wish is that he need me too

naraj2014

Ghost of Me

Some days, I feel my heart was as light as feathers
Some days, I feel like i can barely breathe
Some days, I know I still love you but I'm letting this go
Some days, I know I miss you but I couldnt let you know
Some days, I wonder how did we end up like this?
Some days, I wonder where did I went wrong?
Some days, I miss the you that used to shower me with love
Some days, I hate the you that keeping me away
Some days, all I feel that I want to do is lie down and cry
Some days, all I need is someone to comfort me

But most of the days,
not a single tears ever missed going down from this eyes
not a single seconds ever went without you in my mind

My heart have been closed for so many years
but with you, I've opened up and become fragile
Trusting that finally it wont break
trusting that finally someone wont let it go
trusting that finally i found you

But I was wrong
and now I was broken in more ways than I ever did
I was shattered to the point where there is no more left to break
I was finally an empty shell of human
filled up by the ghost of me


-naraj2014-

how does it feels?

For once, i thought that this is it
For once, I thought I've found someone who can't bear to lose me
For once, I thought I've found someone who loves me as much as I do

But I was wrong again...

how does it feels?
to be on the other side?
to be the one that gets all the begging?
to be the one ignoring all the begging?
to be the one holding the trigger that could kill a heart
to be the one that pulled the trigger no matter how much that other person loves you
to be the one that doesn't feel the need to have the loved ones by their side
to be the one that walks away

how does that feels to you?
to received all the love that I can give
to received all the attention that I always give
to still hate every little things that annoy you
to hate the little part of me that makes me who I am
to disrespect me in front of strangers about how annoyed you are with me
how suffocating I am to you
how does that feels?

is it empowering?
is it good?
does it makes you feel better?

i wonder...i only can wonder..
coz my heart was made to love truly and deeply
and doing everything i could before anything took you away
to fight to protect the relationship
but I guess, its another waste of time
another pieces to be broken


xoxo
-naraj2014-

losing hope

Sad, beautiful tragic love affair

Love...
I never thought that I would fall for him
I never thought that I would end up loving him
I never thought that I would love again

I fall for him
Fall for the idea of the future he keep telling me of
Fall for the idea of getting engaged and married in a short time
Fall for the idea of living together soon in a Halal way
Fall for the idea of a mature part of him

But I guess
once the feeling is lost
no matter how i tried to begged
he wont come back

I guess love just lost
I guess my life is just a circle of people abandoning me
I guess I'm not worth for anyone to stay
I guess I am not fit to be love

Coz in the end,
they would say I was trying to change them
in the end,
they would put all the blame on me when everything was being discussed
in the end,
I'm the only one who is stupid enough to be loyal
in the end,
I'm the only one left fighting
in the end,
it's only me alone.

leave the pieces

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone

You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that

Its alright, I'll be fine
Dont worry bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road

There's nothing you can do or say
You gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you're gone...

...riverside...

here i am again

standing and strolling by the riverside

with a belief that I'm strong enough

strong enough to denied the temptation

the water's calling

the current is soothing

it makes my heart race

dying to jump into it again

I thought I was strong

to just looking at it by the riverside

but I guess I was wrong

as I feel myself slowly walking towards the edge

I hesitate, and I stopped

but I can't help myself from jumping

now I find myself sinking deep

slowly drowning

the water looked calm and tantalizing

but now that I'm inside

I can feel myself gasping for air

I need the surface to keep my head clear

I don't know how to survive this time around

Coz I've jumped too far ahead

With no hands or branch for me to hold on to

All I can do is to pray that I am strong enough

Strong enough to save myself

Strong enough to swim myself to the riverside

And decided not to look back ever again

Coz something told me to run

-Jonker Street, Melaka-

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

...in the rough...

after all of the years,

living in this ship,

I've never thought that it would sink,

and making a mess out of me...

now this shipwreck is blocking my path,

making what's beyond me become dark,

and I know I need to move on,

before I run out of air...

I'll tear those shattered pieces,

even if I know that my hands would bleed,

but I will keep going on even if it'll dry me out,

coz in the end it will heal and I'll be moving on...

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

Eyes Open

Why??

I keep wondering why...

why now? why them?

Been listening a lot to Taylor Swift's Eyes Open lately and learning the guitar chords for it..hence the title...

Also, as a reminder to myself to always keep my eyes open...and be alert!~ o.0 (for what, i dont even know)

Ya see...my first ex...he's a nice guy...it's just, i guess for the first one, I'm expecting the kind of guy who would worshiped me and be all over me when we were in a relationship...though I admit, I dont really feel that exited about him, I'm just in love with the idea of being in love for the first time...which I know by now it's not really love... x_x
after 7years of dumping him over the phone, ( as we are far apart and I haven't receive any news from him more than a week )...suddenly my cousin called me and ask, do know this guy that claimed to know me and used to be very close to me like his own family?? ( mind you, we rarely speak or msg each other back then..and we're in a r/ship not more than 3weeks i guess )

she told me his name, and its quite a unique name, so of course I know straight away, though the facts is not that true..haha..

so, my cousin was so excited and try to get us together again, but thankfully, he's in relationship now... *phew* ...and she stops talking about him...

and I thought, wow, it really is a small world and it's kinda nice to know that he still remembers something that I forget already...up until his name showed up again.. *ngeehehee*

then, my other cousin ( a boy this time )...he's working as some state officials that requires him to go to remote places and what not...even though its tiring, but its kinda nice, having to travel around to places you wouldn't even know exist..

so, one day he came to our grams house ( i was there that day ) with a new car...my dream car at that, so i asked him, who's car is that? and he said, it was his friend...the one who's working with him now...and he asked me if I know him..as we are from the same Uni maybe different year...and he told me the name...the son-of-a-bitch-that-I'd-rather-forget name...dang! of all people...now I feel like I'm cursed~hahhaa... that guy used to be my scandal until I broke it off with him, coz being with him, ya at first i feel like in a fairytale kind of relationship, until I found out that he has a gf back home, and all the scandals that he used to have before me, which is a lot!...turns out that he have the reputation of a player among the guys coz he's very slick among girls...sound so goodytwoshoes that you can't believe of what he capable of...enough said, I tried..i said TRIED getting rid of him so hard...can't believe he turns out to be a stalker as I was the first girl ever dumping him...*hell yeah~ I'm proud of me!! XD*...he stalks me and even tried to sweet talk me into getting together with him again...oh-my-goodness...such a nightmare..

soooo...worried of my freedom from the stalker, i told my cousin not to ever mention my name or having knowing me in front of him in any case...being the annoying cousin he is, he threatened me into telling him if i didnt tell him "our" story...so i just told him that he used to be my stalker that could really be my worst-nightmare-coming-true, and thankfully he's happy with that explanation...

The world is indeed very small...and I just wish to never ever even bumped into that stalker ever...EVER! 

xoxo,

naraj©2012

...i am...

I am fragile

but I am strong

I was raised, to always get back up

and I know I will always do

But I do,

I do miss you

I do need you

and I guess you never do

and it hurts

when I dreamed of you

when I dreamed of us

but realized you were not here by my side

naraj©11

xoxo ♥

...The Best I Ever Had...

I can be tough, I can be independent

I'm okay being by myself

But when you came

My walls just crumble down

Never thought that we'd fall this fast

Never thought you'd be the one

In your arms is where I feel safe
Beside you is where I feel calm

All the years of not knowing who you are
Never imagine that you'd be the one to hold my heart
Never crossed my mind that there would be a time
For us to say goodbye

I never want to let you go
Coz you are the best I ever had
it was magical and everything I ever waited for
and I loved you so

We are awesome together
you told me so
but we have to let this go
and I have to leave you alone

Our last day together bring tears to my eyes
but with you around I just keep on laughing
wonder if I'd be strong enough to pretend
that my love for you has fade away

I'll miss your hug and kisses
I'll miss the way you look me in the eye with your brown eyes
I'll miss how peaceful and happy I am in your arms
I'll miss how you would sing your heart out for me

I don't feel like going home
coz this is how I feel
and I don't want to let you go coz you have my soul
and it feels so right just to be by your side

make this a song for you and me
create a beautiful melody just for me
so it could be our memory
of when it's just you and me

naraj©11

xoxo ♥