...i dont know...

this head keep thinking
keep wishing that you'd still care
keep hoping that you'd stay
despite all the the pushing you away

this heart still misses you
still craving your presence next to me
wishing for something that I shouldn't be wishing for
wishing for the moment when you wish the time would stop

but my heart
wished for things to be like it used to
wished for times when I don't even care
wished for the days when my heart is not affected at all

its tiring
its taking a toll on me
the hurt when you don't seem like you care
the pain when i remembered that morning message she sent to you

....Four Leaf Clover...

Boy, you let me down
I tried too hard & I feel numb now
That crooked smile & your charm that drew me in
Your beautiful eyes,
Can hide so many things
You were my Four Leaf Clover
My pure white dove
You were my lightning strike & my knock on wood
My hope & my faith
My luck & love
You were my shooting star
That lit up the sky
Then you broke the mirror & my heart died
No hope & no faith
No luck, no love
Just ordinary now
I'm not crying
But I thought you were the perfect thing for me
Don't get me wrong
You can be wonderful sometimes
But then you're lost
And you can't look me in the eyes

all the darkest fears...

sometimes you think you are good enough

well the truth is, you're not

sometimes you think you deserves better,

well the truth is, you doesn't

sometimes you think you're cool,

well honey, you sucks!

sometimes you think you can fool everyone

well, hello, there's still who are smart enough to know

sometimes you think you're right

well the truth is you're wrong

sometimes you think that you're the only one who's hurting

well think again, coz your child suffer more

sometimes you think it's okay to hurt your own blood

well let me ask you, who's going to take care of you later?

sometimes you think you are so beautiful

well darling, beauty fades...but you're darken heart doesn't

sometimes you think you're on the right side

well how about i suggest you listen to both sides first

sometimes I'm just so fed up with all this

well, I'm bracing it for the sake of the one's I love 

-naraj11-

...Just LOL...

and I wanna laugh it off

coz I make myself sound silly

and I asked myself  "really??"

coz its all just a fucking game for you

and I thought that I was strong

I thought I could play along

but instead I fall off the edge

and now I'm left with the damage

this heart is not functioning no more

with you, it's the final straw

and I dont wanna care anymore

coz there's no room left that are cured

and you thought I would cry?

sorry it just never happen

my tears are all dried up before you

and it still won't come out for you

naraj©11

xoxo ♥

..Annoyismn...

curiosity? oh it is good...but it also can kill...
but now, it only cause me lots and lots of annoyance!!!
what would you feel when, one day..out of the blue, some unknown number called you but they didnt speak a word? and you feel stupid talking to the empty phone until they hang up on you...
aahh~ maybe some would say, I should be flattered coz maybe some admire are flirting with me...
Duh!!!

one thing to be straight, I dont play games in this LOVE department...
and I hate people playing tricks or hide-and-seek with me!
sorry, I'm not that kind of girl..if you planned to play around, go find someone else...
and I don't take relationship easily...I only go for the serious type or long term type...so, anyone that wants to dump me as soon as you guys had enough of me, you are sooo in my BLACK LIST now...
poach my heart and I'll let you die slowly... muahahahaha~ *evil laugh*

I'll wallow, I'll be sad...and that's because those feelings are my muse...but that doesn't mean that I really can't get over it...I'm sooooo over it the day you start feeding me your LIES...

to the number owner, seems like you've known me...and you should be thankful that I dont have any credit to give you a piece of me that you'll regret...tell me the truth and you'll be spared...
Just stop this annoying thingy ok!!! I need peace not some curiosity that'll cause me annoyance...better hurry before it's too late...I may forgive, but you may be ignored...
there...
thank you for listening...

naraj©2011

xoxo ♥

...stuck on you...

when I step out from the house

I see you there standing shyly

when I walk out from the bus in front of that building

I see you with  your motorcycle smiling at me

when I walk pass hundreds of people

I caught your scent in the air

when I saw the calendar going on Tuesday

I missed you even more

when I look at my phone

hoping the message would be from you

when I saw green motorcycles passed me by

I'll be reminded of you

it hurts to be this way

it kills me just to caught the smell of your perfume

how I missed you so

and I wonder if you ever feel this way too

I missed your voice

I missed your laughter

I missed feeling safe in your arms

I wish to forget you

But you keep appearing in my mind

everything around me reminds me of you

and I hate you for that

naraj©11

xoxo ♥

...just keep on...

I let you in

and I thought that maybe

you're the place where I finally 

can call home

But when the storm came

and the waves crash over us

I saw that home shattered

and I'm left picking up the pieces

Now I'm in the deepest depth

of the darkness that I thought has gone

when you gave me the light to walk with

but then you let it die and leave me crawling

naraj©11

xoxo ♥

...i am...

I am fragile

but I am strong

I was raised, to always get back up

and I know I will always do

But I do,

I do miss you

I do need you

and I guess you never do

and it hurts

when I dreamed of you

when I dreamed of us

but realized you were not here by my side

naraj©11

xoxo ♥

...could it be....

could it be

that you are just making excuse

that you are actually over me

and you are finding reasons to get it over with

and you don't want me to hate you

when I said I rather have you telling me that you fall out of love

you said you wouldn't do that

coz it will end up with me hating you

but what I hate the most is when it's true but you're too afraid to admit it too

have you ever thought that

sooner or later

I'll end up hating you

when you finally found someone new

when all that I have is the sand in my shoes

thinking that I was being a fooled

coz I'm the only one who didn't know the truth

naraj©11

xoxo ♥

...The Best I Ever Had...

I can be tough, I can be independent

I'm okay being by myself

But when you came

My walls just crumble down

Never thought that we'd fall this fast

Never thought you'd be the one

In your arms is where I feel safe
Beside you is where I feel calm

All the years of not knowing who you are
Never imagine that you'd be the one to hold my heart
Never crossed my mind that there would be a time
For us to say goodbye

I never want to let you go
Coz you are the best I ever had
it was magical and everything I ever waited for
and I loved you so

We are awesome together
you told me so
but we have to let this go
and I have to leave you alone

Our last day together bring tears to my eyes
but with you around I just keep on laughing
wonder if I'd be strong enough to pretend
that my love for you has fade away

I'll miss your hug and kisses
I'll miss the way you look me in the eye with your brown eyes
I'll miss how peaceful and happy I am in your arms
I'll miss how you would sing your heart out for me

I don't feel like going home
coz this is how I feel
and I don't want to let you go coz you have my soul
and it feels so right just to be by your side

make this a song for you and me
create a beautiful melody just for me
so it could be our memory
of when it's just you and me

naraj©11

xoxo ♥

...never meant...

no matter what you've put me through

I never hated you

I never blamed you

and I know I'm a fool

all I thought of you was

a beautiful memory when I was young

and soulmate that probably I've found

but I was wrong

If only you would just disappear

and never showed up

if only you showed up to say sorry

and just disappear

maybe I wouldn't hate you

like I do now

maybe I wouldn't hurt you

and make you feel abandon

I never thought of getting revenge

I never thought of hurting you

I never thought of doing what you thought I'd do to you

but you told me that that's what you thought I was doing to you

it's no use for me to straight it out for you

no use for me to say I didnt mean it

coz that's what you think of me

and I'll let you be

and maybe this will be

the last goodbye of you and me

coz I hate the way you think of me

and I hate being the girl that you want me to be..

naraj10©

♥ XOXO ♥

...I'll disperse as my gift to you...

Morning all~ 

phew...been a while...

well, it's holiday, and I'm too busy enjoying my vacation and feel so lazy to open this blog and update it..ngeee..bianne~

its 28/11

a day when 'someone' is born...

I've been dreaming of being with you

on the special day for you

but I guess, It'll only be a dream

for you shunned me from your life

You blocked me

it hurts

then I guess you deleted me

and I'm through

I never understand the choice that you made

and sorry was never enough

but I have to accept

coz I dont wanna hurt anymore

The only gift that I could give you

is me

and I promise you

today will be the last that you heard from me

maybe I don't understand

what benefit that you said for the choice you made

but stop saying sorry and said its for my own good

coz sorry is never enough after what you made me go through

I'm leaving you behind

I'll never come again

This is all that you want

So this is the last goodbye and the greatest gift for you

naraj10'

XOXO ♥

...lost or falling...

I'm suffering because of my own delusional way of thinking...am I?
or
I'm actually getting crazy and misinterpret everything?

ooppssiieee...another dark emotional post?
well, i guess that's it...
it is actually called the page of shadows, which is where I pour out all the negative vibes in me that I rarely show..
LOL...still, I like to think positively but a lil bit of drama inside here...
this is where i tell my stories in a different way but still the same...
and every story does sound the same actually and hopefully one day,it will be full of lights and flowery thingy...
the thing is, i found that, depression and hurtful feelings and sadness, brings out the part of me that are quite poetic..hhahaha..sound silly? I know, I think so too.. :P

well, I did try to poems out the beautiful feelings I'm feeling...but then, as reality does and always does to me, it always end up being a sad story...
I wish I could turn it the other way round..
wish I was positive enough to be really open with these stuff on sadness and heartbreak... ;p

Been reading a motivational book called, "He's just not that into you"...thanks to my beautiful housemate,who lend it to me..
While I was reading the book, I feel really strong and capable of anything...and it really motivates me..
but once I finish the book, I try to be what the book been telling me to do...but somehow, I always end up feeling more miserable than before...
I try to make believe that everything's okay, but that only makes it worse...
Sometimes I try to put up with everything by laughing too loud, making silly comments, doing silly stuff that makes me look and feel stupid, so that I look ok and silly rather than miserable and sad...

It was easier before when I didn't know...
when I'm still in the dark...
but after that "once upon a time-fairy tale" kind of experience that he gave me,
that he showed me...
I feel like I still want to fight for it...
I won't let it go easily...
eventhough I'll be miserable at best...
it's hard, I know...
try to turn my world bakc to its normal axis without him circling in my orbit..
but the gravity still pulls the memory of him into me...
sometimes I even wondered, will he regret if he can't see me anymore?
will he regret letting me go without even trying?
will that even happen in his mind?

I don't know why...
but I know my health is deteriorating again..
mu muscle pain occured more frequently especially my heart muscle
and my hair!!! my lovely hair, everyday I lost more than I used to...it's too much!
heck, I didnt even get any chemo or taking my pills again, but why does it keeps falling out??
I need my pills again I guess...
but I'm too scared to go on a check-up..
I dont want what happen few years back repeat itself again...
I hate hospitals and I dont want to get into one again..not because of this stupid illness!
I love my blood and I prefer it to be in my blood vessels not some needles..
being in a hospital with ur blood taken everyday to be tested for lung disease are not a good feeling and very exhausting!
Polymyositis is quite annoying when it strikes you suddenly...
oh well, I guess, I just need my pills and some exercise...
I wish to be back home...coz here, nothing much I can do except run..
atleast back home, I'll go swimming, futsal and running...lots of stuff to do with my siblings n cousins...
I haven't found any girl friends that into futsal here...i miss kicking out..LOL

oh hell...need to sleep now...finally, everything's out my chest..so hopefully, I'll dream a happy dream tonight~

XOXO ♥

...just because...

just because, I miss you

just because, I still can't get myself to hate you

and I can't seem to forget you

just because it's you...

just because, I feel empty without you

just because, I remember the way you hold my hands

just because, I love the feelings I'm feeling when I'm with you

just because~