Cold

Cause I'm dying here
You were lying it was you and I forever
But now you make me shiver in the light
And I'm dying here,
And I'm crying over you that I remember
But now you make me shiver
You're so cold

Am I meant to sit here
And just take this,
When you promised me that I would be the one that you would never leave
I can't believe I fell for what you said
Does it make you feel good to make me feel less than I am?
Does it make you feel strong? Like you're a bigger man?
What did I do to deserve you to shut me out?
Did I love too much? Is that what this is about?
I used to thank god every morning for having you in my life
And now I'm praying just to forget you, and you know why

And if you were gonna lie, at least be a man and lie it to my face.
So you can watch my tears turn to blood, as I tear myself apart
Wondering why, why I ever fell for you
I put myself through hell for you

**** you, I hate you!
I love you, I need you
I wanna run, but I don't wanna run if you're not gonna find me.
So we should just pretend to be friends, right?
And fake our way to the bitter end.


You said that I'm the one
So why'd you leave me shivering in the cold?

I was wrong

I'm not the type who easily get in a relationship.
Coz I know that I'm the kind of person who is very loyal and its hard for me to let go once I make myself to promised to never leave.
Yes, I know, its easy for me to fall.
But for me to commit,it will take time unless I believed that it was for real.
I get hurt easily.
I've been hurt my whole life.
and all I want is to feel loved and not hurt anymore.

I used to make an exception to this one guy.
The reason for me to easily excepting him in my life?
easy... he was hurt by someone he loved before, he said he was betrayed by that someone.
and I believed that, he used to felts how it is to be betrayed, how it is to be hurt by people you loved..so he won't do the same thing to me.
Boy, was I wrong...
I was sooooooo wrong...

Knowing he used to be hurt,
he make me promised, which i always kept what i promised (insya-Allah)
he make me promised that i would never leave him
he make me promised that if one day, i fall out of love from him i would tell him directly
I would let him know so that we wont hurt each other by betraying the trust
he make me promised that this would last
he make me promised a lot

and you know what,
in the end, he broke all those promises he make me promised to him
and why?
because he never promised me the same thing
because I trusted him to keep the same promised that he make me do
because I believed in him to never hurt me
because he never had any promised he had to hold on to
because I never make him promised me anything but happiness and adventures ad being there for each other

he used to say that I was clingy
earlier stage, he used to message me every morning, early in the morning
then he stops abruptly
so i started messaging him instead, early in the morning to give back the feeling he used to give me when receiving those messages
and in one of those messages i used to say "I missed those early messages you used to sent to me"
and those things i said, are being used against me
he told me I was being clingy and childish
he told me I was being unreasonable
and he started getting annoyed and angry easily towards me
when all I did was just letting him know how much I missed that
and his presence
for me, being in a long distance relationship have gave both of us so much space between each other..
and yet, he told me he needed space  -_____-
(What??!!! *do it in Taylor Swift style in her song "We are never getting back together" LOL)

he started being distant...
less communication...
easily annoyed even by the littlest thing i've done, like asking him if he is okay a couple times in one conversation...( like hello!! i was concern about you a******! -__-)
and me being positive keep thinking,
maybe he was stressed at home and due to his current condition that time
so i try my best to make him feel less stressed
I keep saying sorry for things I never should
I keep holding myself back coz I was scared that he would get mad at me
I keep surpressing my own emotions
i tried every thing to make him happy
to the point that I bought him plane tickets to see me
plane tickets for him to go out from this state
and all with the thoughts of making him less stress and happy
with the intention of being someone who can be there for him when he feel down

but i was wrong
i was unappreciated
turns out he was just making excuses for himself
excuses to avoid him from saying how he didnt love me anymore
excuses to make me feel like i was never good enough
excuses that makes me feel like I was the worst person who's dragging him to hell
more and more excuses
while I keep beg and beg and beg
rejection after rejection
I finally gave it up
and thats when he finally shows the real reason
another girl...
he happily flaunt around proudly
using the same old words he used to sent me
saying that we are the angels he falls for
and i bet, he gave her 'The Moon Song' that i have found and gave it to him during our days
a song about being in a long distance relationship

and i know i was wrong
for telling people what he did to me
for letting people know how he hurt me
but I'm keeping this to remind me
to make me remember
that love in this world will never be real enough
this world is just an illusions
sweet words can just be mention anytime
promises can be flaunt around without keeping it
and that talk about marriage? 
anyone can promise you they will marry you
anyone can come and meet your family and giving them hope before they crush it down
and I thought that the word marriage was a sacred thing
that people wont just say it out unless they meant it
and again
I was wrong
I was so wrong

and I learnt...


-naraj2014-

Just a boy

he was just a boy
who thinks that he is good enough to be a man
he was just living in his own made up world
listening to everything his mind made up for him

he was just a boy
who keeps looking for someone to be blame
for everything that he failed to have
for every mess that he created for himself

he was just a boy
who knows how to play with words
picking up strays and pieces of sentences from someone else feelings
reusing the same old sentences he keeps feeding to his new interest

he was just a boy
who managed to open my heart
and destroyed it in just a blink of an eye
without even looking back

he was just a boy
living in his own illusions
instead of making it happen
coz all he ever did was just standing there

he was just a boy
who used to seem so fragile and scared
who used to keep begging me to promise not to leave him
who walks away easily when i hold on to my promises

when i thought that he was a man
a real man who finally can keep up with me
turns out that it was just a facade
coz he was just a boy lost in his own illusions

-naraj2014-

Here I am...Wasted

I'll protect you, don't be scared
No matter what, I will be there
I'll be gentle, I'll be light
These are the words you whispered in the night

Now I'm standing in the cold

Everything is said and done

Atomic winter in my soul

From the absence of the sun

My loneliness was a rattle in the windows

You said you don't want me anymore

And you left me

Standing on a corner crying,

Feeling like a fool for trying

I wish I could erase our memory

'Cause you didn't give a damn about me

The only remedy I know

Is I gotta let you go

But where were you when I was scared

A broken promise left me here

you say : "I'm sorry"

but I know you're not

I'll do everything I gotta do to get you off my mind

What you did, boy, I'll never forget

There will come a day when all of this is in my past

And there will come a day when you're out of my head at last

I'm trying not to fall

Damn it's such a long way down

But here I am

Laying down on the bathroom floor

Finally I'm through

Wasting all these tears on you

Damaged

and when i thought that my heart was broken into pieces
and when i thought that i finally find a solid ground
and when i thought that i finally moved on
and when i thought that i finally found my feet to get back up again
and when i thought i will arise

thats when it all came falling apart again
thats when i lost everything again
thats when my heart finally had its final straw
thats when i feel like nothing matters anymore
thats when i know i'm still not over you
coz you're the first one i was thinking of running to

the only two people who really cares
who really loves me for who i am
who always been there for me since i was a child
who showered me with love and attention that i never get from others
who backed me up every single time
who understands me more than anyone else
the only two people that really matters
both are gone now
and i have no where else to turn
i have no one else to love me like they do
to shower me with love and affections

i was trying hard not to look for you
i was trying hard not to find you
i was trying hard not to be weak again
i was trying hard coz i was scared of your indifference
i was scared that your reaction would shattered me more
losing, hoping, expecting...

i think i am finally damaged...
and all i've become was a living and walking contradiction..

-naraj2014-

What hurts the most

what if all these while you never knew
that his feelings for you slowly starts to fade
what if all these while its only you
who keep growing the love inside your heart

what if it was just a pretend
to hold on to the promises thats been said
what if he's been looking for reasons
to let you go and never coming back again

and what hurts the most is
i will never know

-naraj2014-

how can I?

tears stream, down your face,when you lost something you cannot replace-Coldplay 'Fix You'-

Cannot touch, cannot hold, cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss, cannot have each other
Must be strong and must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

Cannot dream, cannot share, sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel, how we feel, must pretend it's over
Must be brave and must go on
Must not say what we've known all alone

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone

the way i loved you

Everything's cool

It's all gonna be okay

And I know,

Maybe I'll even laugh about it someday

But not today, no

Cause I don't feel so good

I'm tangled up inside

My heart is on my sleeve

Tomorrow is a mystery to me

Letting you go is

Making me feel so cold

And I've been trying to make

Believe it doesn't hurt

But that makes it worse

See, I'm a wreck inside

My tongue is tied and my

Whole body feels so weak

The future may be all I really need

Like a first love,

The one and only true love

Wasn't it written all over my face

I loved you like you loved me

Like something pure and holy

Like something that can never be replaced

And it was wonderful,

It was magical,

It was everything I've waited for,

A miracle

And if I should ever fall in love again

With someone new

Oh, It could never be the way

No, It will never be the way

I loved you

Love~

All this while
I thought what i've felt before was love
I thought i was in love
that i really was in love

I always thought
love is not as beautiful as i always imagine it was
maybe it was only that beautiful and blissful in my head
maybe it was just my imagination

then i met him
and he showed me
the kind of love that i always imagined
the kind that makes you feel blissful and grateful

the kind that makes you feel so lucky
the kind that makes you want to tell the world
that you finally found the one
found your soulmate

the kind of love that makes you unselfish
the kind that all you want was his happiness
the kind that makes you want to be his backbone
the kind that you'd do anything to make him happy

its the kind of love
that eventhough how hard everything falls apart
you could never hate him
because it was true love

it was the first love
that was true to me
the one that makes me feel how lucky I am
to be able to feel that kind of feeling before I go

real love, it is a beautiful thing...
and i'm lucky enough to experienced it in my part

-naraj2014-

Falling to nothingness...

Exhausted
I can't sleep
I can't breathe
Broke down every night and somehow become my lullaby
Broke down every morning after everyone leave the house

I'm falling apart
More and more each day
my heart, my hope, my love
I dont know if i could carry on this way

Now i dreaded
going to that place
the place where I might see you
Your face in the crowd
Afraid that I would be broken beyond saving
seeing the face that I love so much
that i missed so much
but beyond my reach

I never want to give up
coz this is more than just a fleeting feelings for me
i dreamt of forever
but you let go easily

I dread the day i see you
might be the day when i will be into pieces
i know i wont die
but i also know, i wont be the same
i feel the lights are slowly dying
the darkness starts creeping in
what i was once,
will only be the shell that held me in

-naraj2014-

What If

Don't speak, I can't believe
This is here happening
Our situation isn't right
Get real, who you playing with?
I never thought he'd be like this
You were supposed to be there by my side

When you say that you want me
I just don't believe it
You're always ready to give up
Whenever I turn around

What if I need you baby?
Would you even try to save me?
Or would you find some lame excuse
To never be true
What if I said I loved you?
Would you be the one to run to?
Or would you watch me walk away
Without a fight

I'm so sick of worrying
That you're gonna quit over anything
I could trip and you'd let go like that
And everything that we ever were
Seems to fade but not the hurt
Cause you don't know the good things from the bad

When I say that I want you
You know that I mean it
And in my hour of weakness
There's still time to try

Every time I speak you try to stop me
Cause every little thing I say is wrong
You say you're noticing but you never see
This is who I really am, that you can't believe
Makes me want to know right now
If it's me you'll live without
Or would you change your mind
What if I need you?

where i stood

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

Time...

healing takes time
thats what people keep saying

i deserves better
believe me, i got tired hearing those words
especially from the people who left me

am I that easy to be replaced?
am I that boring that people keep leaving me?
am I not worth the truth by telling me that there's no more love for me instead of lying and telling me i deserves better?
am I?

moving on,
sounds easy for some people
but thats not me
i'm not the kind who gave my heart away
and able to just walk away easily

isn't there anyone who knows how to hold my heart?
is it that hard?
all i want is time
is it so hard?
unless people only keep wanting me as their trophies
as some sort of conquest

i'm tired
i dont think my heart can take it anymore
and this last one,
its the worst
coz i love him more than he deserves

imagine this
waking up everyday
trying to keep your chin up
and put on a brave face
when inside
your heart keeps breaking
knowing that
you have been forgotten by that person you love
and somehow
they dont even care anymore for you
and even degrade you in front of people
and being a jerk to you
and yet
you still cant stop loving
all you do is
fighting the urge to call them
the urge to contact them
to tell them how much you missed them
but you cant
because they are not yours anymore
not even yours to begin with

it hurts
it really does
it still is

broken...
naraj2014

bleeding...

Hurts

Never felt this kind of hurt before
My heart breaks everywhere i turned
all the places, all the faces

I live my life with him in every thoughts
with him in every decision
with him as the person i talk about
I've arrange my world to revolved with him besides me
the presents, the future...all with him next to me

his smell, began to fade
but his smile, his laugh, his voice
still stuck in my head
it hurts
when you love someone so much but you have to let go
it hurts
when you love someone but their love for you have fade away
it hurts
coz i still love him no matter what
it hurts
even when he betray me and i still love him
it hurts
when i was still in love but he moved on easily
it hurts
and all i want to do was to lay down and cry

love is not something i give in easily
and when i do, i will fight till i become numb enough to move on
i love with all that i have
and i love him too much to hate him

i cried to every song that we love
i cried to every movie that we used to talk about
i cried to every moments that we used to share
i cried to every picture that we had together
for every little thing...all i did was cry

my heart still bleeds
and it's unstoppable
i need him
all i wish is that he need me too

naraj2014