Talk

I reached for you,
But you were gone
Life's never been worse but never been better

I've been picking up the pieces that you left behind
Let me remind you that this is what you wanted
You ended it
You were all I wanted
But not like this

This love left a permanent mark
I fell to my knees
But it meant nothing to you
You never turn back as you leave
What kind of heart that never look back?

You filled up my glass,
with promises that can never last
And all the things that we once said
are not in my heart, they're in my head

You were a moment in my life that comes and goes
A riddle a rhyme that no one knows
A change in the heart, a twist of fate

So I learned to be okay with just me
and I'll be fine on the outside
and I'm doing fine on the inside so far
But life was never as it seems
Just like a faded memory
I'll remember I am not alone

I was wrong

I'm not the type who easily get in a relationship.
Coz I know that I'm the kind of person who is very loyal and its hard for me to let go once I make myself to promised to never leave.
Yes, I know, its easy for me to fall.
But for me to commit,it will take time unless I believed that it was for real.
I get hurt easily.
I've been hurt my whole life.
and all I want is to feel loved and not hurt anymore.

I used to make an exception to this one guy.
The reason for me to easily excepting him in my life?
easy... he was hurt by someone he loved before, he said he was betrayed by that someone.
and I believed that, he used to felts how it is to be betrayed, how it is to be hurt by people you loved..so he won't do the same thing to me.
Boy, was I wrong...
I was sooooooo wrong...

Knowing he used to be hurt,
he make me promised, which i always kept what i promised (insya-Allah)
he make me promised that i would never leave him
he make me promised that if one day, i fall out of love from him i would tell him directly
I would let him know so that we wont hurt each other by betraying the trust
he make me promised that this would last
he make me promised a lot

and you know what,
in the end, he broke all those promises he make me promised to him
and why?
because he never promised me the same thing
because I trusted him to keep the same promised that he make me do
because I believed in him to never hurt me
because he never had any promised he had to hold on to
because I never make him promised me anything but happiness and adventures ad being there for each other

he used to say that I was clingy
earlier stage, he used to message me every morning, early in the morning
then he stops abruptly
so i started messaging him instead, early in the morning to give back the feeling he used to give me when receiving those messages
and in one of those messages i used to say "I missed those early messages you used to sent to me"
and those things i said, are being used against me
he told me I was being clingy and childish
he told me I was being unreasonable
and he started getting annoyed and angry easily towards me
when all I did was just letting him know how much I missed that
and his presence
for me, being in a long distance relationship have gave both of us so much space between each other..
and yet, he told me he needed space  -_____-
(What??!!! *do it in Taylor Swift style in her song "We are never getting back together" LOL)

he started being distant...
less communication...
easily annoyed even by the littlest thing i've done, like asking him if he is okay a couple times in one conversation...( like hello!! i was concern about you a******! -__-)
and me being positive keep thinking,
maybe he was stressed at home and due to his current condition that time
so i try my best to make him feel less stressed
I keep saying sorry for things I never should
I keep holding myself back coz I was scared that he would get mad at me
I keep surpressing my own emotions
i tried every thing to make him happy
to the point that I bought him plane tickets to see me
plane tickets for him to go out from this state
and all with the thoughts of making him less stress and happy
with the intention of being someone who can be there for him when he feel down

but i was wrong
i was unappreciated
turns out he was just making excuses for himself
excuses to avoid him from saying how he didnt love me anymore
excuses to make me feel like i was never good enough
excuses that makes me feel like I was the worst person who's dragging him to hell
more and more excuses
while I keep beg and beg and beg
rejection after rejection
I finally gave it up
and thats when he finally shows the real reason
another girl...
he happily flaunt around proudly
using the same old words he used to sent me
saying that we are the angels he falls for
and i bet, he gave her 'The Moon Song' that i have found and gave it to him during our days
a song about being in a long distance relationship

and i know i was wrong
for telling people what he did to me
for letting people know how he hurt me
but I'm keeping this to remind me
to make me remember
that love in this world will never be real enough
this world is just an illusions
sweet words can just be mention anytime
promises can be flaunt around without keeping it
and that talk about marriage? 
anyone can promise you they will marry you
anyone can come and meet your family and giving them hope before they crush it down
and I thought that the word marriage was a sacred thing
that people wont just say it out unless they meant it
and again
I was wrong
I was so wrong

and I learnt...


-naraj2014-

Bitter

never knew i could feel like this
never knew i could love like this
never knew anyone would lie for this
never knew anyone can pretend something so real

all i ever want was to love
all i ever want was to be there
all i ever want was to make him happy
all i ever did was loving him with all my heart

but now all i ever knew was pain
all i ever did was cry
all the memories that remains
turns out to be just lies

i was invisible
i didnt exist in his world
i never did
when i made him mine

all thats left was bitterness
my heart was trying to mend itself
i dont want to cure in a bitter way
my heart should never be bitter

coz thats all i have left now
pieces of broken heart
that are full of love and hope
i dont want to be bitter
coz i am much better than that


-naraj2014-

Notice

I'm still dancing
Now we're burning
The heat was rising
And now we're breathing more and more

And I'm still trying
I'm not tired just yet
My eyes are drying
I never dream that you forget

In my room there was doubt
Now no words can come out
We were friends, we had heat
Now I choke when you speak
Because you never notice me
Because you never notice me

Can you see me now
Can you hear me shout
When I'm dancing through the fear

Will you catch my fall
Do you know me at all
It's like you never notice me
It's like you never notice me

Notice me

how can I?

tears stream, down your face,when you lost something you cannot replace-Coldplay 'Fix You'-

Cannot touch, cannot hold, cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss, cannot have each other
Must be strong and must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

Cannot dream, cannot share, sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel, how we feel, must pretend it's over
Must be brave and must go on
Must not say what we've known all alone

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone