Loose

Dearly Beloved,

I dont know if we are going to make it through this time around. But I really do love you with all my heart. And if i'm letting us go, please know that the decision is really killing me.

I know you are a good guy. I know you have the potentials to be a great man someday. If you learn to ditch your bad habits, which I always nagged you about. But I guess, you never really listen to me anymore.

Just so you know, Action speaks louder than Words. Plus, when you keep flaunting that love words around, it doesnt have any special meaning anymore. I dont even know the different between your love for me and your love that you told to those other girls. I dont even know which is real anymore. 

You need to learn some few things if you want any of your future relationship to last. 
Firstly, learn to be 'amanah' with all the things that you said and plan out, in other words, learn to meant every words you said and dont get people hope up for nothing (that is just plain cruel and not funny). Dont simply said and promised people something then you just decide to forget about it. Try your best to fulfilled every words you said, if you couldnt, then let the person knows in advance not on the very same day you promised them or worse, not letting them know at all and just keep hoping. That hurts you know.

Secondly, learn and understand what loyal, faithful, devoted and committed really means. When you claim you are being loyal and faithful, it means you won't go around messaging any other random or unknown girls behind her back. Even if it was just for fun in your point of view, but that is already considered as not being faithful. When someone is committed and faithful to you, they dont even bother to look for other people just to be funny or just to joke around. A faithful person will only focus on the person they fall in love with and focus on them alone and ignoring all other people (unless, its your friends who needs your help in a good way..not just out of being bored, you have your girlfriend for that). 

Thirdly, learn to not make fun of others misfortune. Especially if what they were was given by God. Like limping legs, or imperfect mouth. For you its just for fun and laughing behind their back is okay. But remember, you are laughing at God's creation and gifts. And everytime you want to make fun of people, even to just joke around, replay your words or what you would say inside your head, and imagine those words are being said towards you. Usually, after you done those things, I would asked you that question, imagine that someone else said that exact same words to you. Your answer is always, that you would get angry and punch that person face or something. Even if that is just for fun, you yourself would get angry or sad. Do you think that person that you talked about dont have the same feelings too?

Lastly, learn to control your lust or atleast remove yourself from that group of friends thats always sharing you those indecent pictures and videos. Its not helping you in controlling your own lust if you keep on seeing those stuff and even worse when your circle of friends are spreading it around and not helping you in stopping it. It doesnt do you any good. And those kind of things doesnt make you look cool at all. And much worse, when your friends knows that you have a girlfriend but you enjoy those kind of things and engaged in talking about those thing, your friends wont even say it to your face, but behind you, they would say how pity your girlfriend is for not knowing what you are doing behind her back. And that my love, is the same thing as disrespecting your relationship and your girlfriend as well. 

You always said that I think too much and too deep or too far. Yes, I do. Because I am thinking about my future. I know what I want in a relationship and I know what I need. I am thinking further in marriage sense, because I've heard all the sad stories of a 5 years marriage, a 10 years marriage, a 20 years marriage that are becoming dull because of what the husband did and how the husband began to take things for granted. I dont want that kind of life or marriage. That scares me, and thats why i'm thinking in advance of everything. Heart change, people change.

If only in a year, you have start to take things for granted and began to be unfaithful towards me, its a nightmare for me thinking that this would keep happening my whole life being married with you. Being brokenhearted day by day. This is not something I can do anymore. It exhaust me. And I am not strong enough to be who I am anymore. I have turn to be a toxic person to our relationship, with all my insecurities and trust issues.

Maybe I was not meant to be your forever. Maybe we are just lesson for each other.
But I do love you and devoted to you with all my heart that I dont even know if there's anyone else is out there for me. But this is the limit that I could take.




An exhausted and broken me,
naraj2017

Not Enough

Have you really ever been in love? Like being devoted to that one person only, while your eyes and your heart went blind to the rest of the world?

I did. Always did.

But when the person that you devote your life and your time with, doesn't feel that they need to go that extra mile for you. Like they still look at other girls and messaging them ( like saying how much u love them or you missed them, or wish u could see them) or tweeting them (like saying to other girl who doesnt even know you to 'be mine') for the sake of just having fun (thats the reason that they would give). And I was not cool enough to understand that it was nothing and just being silly for being hurt by that 'nothing' that they describe. 

Well, after committing my time and being devoted to only them, that behavior that they do, it makes me feel like i was never enough for them. And it kept me thinking as well, are they ready for a commitment with this kind of behavior?

I dont think so too.

Talk

I reached for you,
But you were gone
Life's never been worse but never been better

I've been picking up the pieces that you left behind
Let me remind you that this is what you wanted
You ended it
You were all I wanted
But not like this

This love left a permanent mark
I fell to my knees
But it meant nothing to you
You never turn back as you leave
What kind of heart that never look back?

You filled up my glass,
with promises that can never last
And all the things that we once said
are not in my heart, they're in my head

You were a moment in my life that comes and goes
A riddle a rhyme that no one knows
A change in the heart, a twist of fate

So I learned to be okay with just me
and I'll be fine on the outside
and I'm doing fine on the inside so far
But life was never as it seems
Just like a faded memory
I'll remember I am not alone

Bitter

never knew i could feel like this
never knew i could love like this
never knew anyone would lie for this
never knew anyone can pretend something so real

all i ever want was to love
all i ever want was to be there
all i ever want was to make him happy
all i ever did was loving him with all my heart

but now all i ever knew was pain
all i ever did was cry
all the memories that remains
turns out to be just lies

i was invisible
i didnt exist in his world
i never did
when i made him mine

all thats left was bitterness
my heart was trying to mend itself
i dont want to cure in a bitter way
my heart should never be bitter

coz thats all i have left now
pieces of broken heart
that are full of love and hope
i dont want to be bitter
coz i am much better than that


-naraj2014-

Proved You Wrong

Cold as ice, your words cut like knives
I deserve a prize, for sticking around this long

I’m nothing without you
And no one loves me like you do
Always left me feeling black and blue
Well this can go on and on and on


But I hey I’m breaking free just watch me walk away
Had your hooks in me but I escaped
I don’t need excuses
Done with your abuses
Telling me that I’m not strong baby
Hey just listen to the song cause
I proved you wrong


It’s easier letting go of us
Said I didn’t even have the guts
Yeah, here I am backing up
I’m taking my heart back cause I’ve had enough


Hey I’m done with you and all the lies you made
You were such a mistake

Here I am...Wasted

I'll protect you, don't be scared
No matter what, I will be there
I'll be gentle, I'll be light
These are the words you whispered in the night

Now I'm standing in the cold

Everything is said and done

Atomic winter in my soul

From the absence of the sun

My loneliness was a rattle in the windows

You said you don't want me anymore

And you left me

Standing on a corner crying,

Feeling like a fool for trying

I wish I could erase our memory

'Cause you didn't give a damn about me

The only remedy I know

Is I gotta let you go

But where were you when I was scared

A broken promise left me here

you say : "I'm sorry"

but I know you're not

I'll do everything I gotta do to get you off my mind

What you did, boy, I'll never forget

There will come a day when all of this is in my past

And there will come a day when you're out of my head at last

I'm trying not to fall

Damn it's such a long way down

But here I am

Laying down on the bathroom floor

Finally I'm through

Wasting all these tears on you

Notice

I'm still dancing
Now we're burning
The heat was rising
And now we're breathing more and more

And I'm still trying
I'm not tired just yet
My eyes are drying
I never dream that you forget

In my room there was doubt
Now no words can come out
We were friends, we had heat
Now I choke when you speak
Because you never notice me
Because you never notice me

Can you see me now
Can you hear me shout
When I'm dancing through the fear

Will you catch my fall
Do you know me at all
It's like you never notice me
It's like you never notice me

Notice me

Damaged

and when i thought that my heart was broken into pieces
and when i thought that i finally find a solid ground
and when i thought that i finally moved on
and when i thought that i finally found my feet to get back up again
and when i thought i will arise

thats when it all came falling apart again
thats when i lost everything again
thats when my heart finally had its final straw
thats when i feel like nothing matters anymore
thats when i know i'm still not over you
coz you're the first one i was thinking of running to

the only two people who really cares
who really loves me for who i am
who always been there for me since i was a child
who showered me with love and attention that i never get from others
who backed me up every single time
who understands me more than anyone else
the only two people that really matters
both are gone now
and i have no where else to turn
i have no one else to love me like they do
to shower me with love and affections

i was trying hard not to look for you
i was trying hard not to find you
i was trying hard not to be weak again
i was trying hard coz i was scared of your indifference
i was scared that your reaction would shattered me more
losing, hoping, expecting...

i think i am finally damaged...
and all i've become was a living and walking contradiction..

-naraj2014-

how can I?

tears stream, down your face,when you lost something you cannot replace-Coldplay 'Fix You'-

Cannot touch, cannot hold, cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss, cannot have each other
Must be strong and must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

Cannot dream, cannot share, sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel, how we feel, must pretend it's over
Must be brave and must go on
Must not say what we've known all alone

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone