Leaving

I gave you every pieces of me
I gave you every little pieces thats left of me
I told you how you have the power now
The power to destroy of whats left of me

I was crushed when you gave me disloyalty
I was drowning when you fed me all your lies
But i still try to hold on to you
Trying to believe in you
Trying to think the best of you

But you go behind my back
Lied to my face
Leaving me crumbling on the floor
And you never look back

I wonder if one day
You will look back to find me here
Waiting for you still to fix me
But i wont
Because today i am leaving
All those memories behind

You will cease to exist in me
I will forget your name
You will cry someday
For pushing me away today
Coz now i know i'm not a glass but a diamond
No scars will ruined me anymore

-Naraj 2018-

I was wrong

I'm not the type who easily get in a relationship.
Coz I know that I'm the kind of person who is very loyal and its hard for me to let go once I make myself to promised to never leave.
Yes, I know, its easy for me to fall.
But for me to commit,it will take time unless I believed that it was for real.
I get hurt easily.
I've been hurt my whole life.
and all I want is to feel loved and not hurt anymore.

I used to make an exception to this one guy.
The reason for me to easily excepting him in my life?
easy... he was hurt by someone he loved before, he said he was betrayed by that someone.
and I believed that, he used to felts how it is to be betrayed, how it is to be hurt by people you loved..so he won't do the same thing to me.
Boy, was I wrong...
I was sooooooo wrong...

Knowing he used to be hurt,
he make me promised, which i always kept what i promised (insya-Allah)
he make me promised that i would never leave him
he make me promised that if one day, i fall out of love from him i would tell him directly
I would let him know so that we wont hurt each other by betraying the trust
he make me promised that this would last
he make me promised a lot

and you know what,
in the end, he broke all those promises he make me promised to him
and why?
because he never promised me the same thing
because I trusted him to keep the same promised that he make me do
because I believed in him to never hurt me
because he never had any promised he had to hold on to
because I never make him promised me anything but happiness and adventures ad being there for each other

he used to say that I was clingy
earlier stage, he used to message me every morning, early in the morning
then he stops abruptly
so i started messaging him instead, early in the morning to give back the feeling he used to give me when receiving those messages
and in one of those messages i used to say "I missed those early messages you used to sent to me"
and those things i said, are being used against me
he told me I was being clingy and childish
he told me I was being unreasonable
and he started getting annoyed and angry easily towards me
when all I did was just letting him know how much I missed that
and his presence
for me, being in a long distance relationship have gave both of us so much space between each other..
and yet, he told me he needed space  -_____-
(What??!!! *do it in Taylor Swift style in her song "We are never getting back together" LOL)

he started being distant...
less communication...
easily annoyed even by the littlest thing i've done, like asking him if he is okay a couple times in one conversation...( like hello!! i was concern about you a******! -__-)
and me being positive keep thinking,
maybe he was stressed at home and due to his current condition that time
so i try my best to make him feel less stressed
I keep saying sorry for things I never should
I keep holding myself back coz I was scared that he would get mad at me
I keep surpressing my own emotions
i tried every thing to make him happy
to the point that I bought him plane tickets to see me
plane tickets for him to go out from this state
and all with the thoughts of making him less stress and happy
with the intention of being someone who can be there for him when he feel down

but i was wrong
i was unappreciated
turns out he was just making excuses for himself
excuses to avoid him from saying how he didnt love me anymore
excuses to make me feel like i was never good enough
excuses that makes me feel like I was the worst person who's dragging him to hell
more and more excuses
while I keep beg and beg and beg
rejection after rejection
I finally gave it up
and thats when he finally shows the real reason
another girl...
he happily flaunt around proudly
using the same old words he used to sent me
saying that we are the angels he falls for
and i bet, he gave her 'The Moon Song' that i have found and gave it to him during our days
a song about being in a long distance relationship

and i know i was wrong
for telling people what he did to me
for letting people know how he hurt me
but I'm keeping this to remind me
to make me remember
that love in this world will never be real enough
this world is just an illusions
sweet words can just be mention anytime
promises can be flaunt around without keeping it
and that talk about marriage? 
anyone can promise you they will marry you
anyone can come and meet your family and giving them hope before they crush it down
and I thought that the word marriage was a sacred thing
that people wont just say it out unless they meant it
and again
I was wrong
I was so wrong

and I learnt...


-naraj2014-

Just a boy

he was just a boy
who thinks that he is good enough to be a man
he was just living in his own made up world
listening to everything his mind made up for him

he was just a boy
who keeps looking for someone to be blame
for everything that he failed to have
for every mess that he created for himself

he was just a boy
who knows how to play with words
picking up strays and pieces of sentences from someone else feelings
reusing the same old sentences he keeps feeding to his new interest

he was just a boy
who managed to open my heart
and destroyed it in just a blink of an eye
without even looking back

he was just a boy
living in his own illusions
instead of making it happen
coz all he ever did was just standing there

he was just a boy
who used to seem so fragile and scared
who used to keep begging me to promise not to leave him
who walks away easily when i hold on to my promises

when i thought that he was a man
a real man who finally can keep up with me
turns out that it was just a facade
coz he was just a boy lost in his own illusions

-naraj2014-

Bitter

never knew i could feel like this
never knew i could love like this
never knew anyone would lie for this
never knew anyone can pretend something so real

all i ever want was to love
all i ever want was to be there
all i ever want was to make him happy
all i ever did was loving him with all my heart

but now all i ever knew was pain
all i ever did was cry
all the memories that remains
turns out to be just lies

i was invisible
i didnt exist in his world
i never did
when i made him mine

all thats left was bitterness
my heart was trying to mend itself
i dont want to cure in a bitter way
my heart should never be bitter

coz thats all i have left now
pieces of broken heart
that are full of love and hope
i dont want to be bitter
coz i am much better than that


-naraj2014-

Proved You Wrong

Cold as ice, your words cut like knives
I deserve a prize, for sticking around this long

I’m nothing without you
And no one loves me like you do
Always left me feeling black and blue
Well this can go on and on and on


But I hey I’m breaking free just watch me walk away
Had your hooks in me but I escaped
I don’t need excuses
Done with your abuses
Telling me that I’m not strong baby
Hey just listen to the song cause
I proved you wrong


It’s easier letting go of us
Said I didn’t even have the guts
Yeah, here I am backing up
I’m taking my heart back cause I’ve had enough


Hey I’m done with you and all the lies you made
You were such a mistake

Ghost of Me

Some days, I feel my heart was as light as feathers
Some days, I feel like i can barely breathe
Some days, I know I still love you but I'm letting this go
Some days, I know I miss you but I couldnt let you know
Some days, I wonder how did we end up like this?
Some days, I wonder where did I went wrong?
Some days, I miss the you that used to shower me with love
Some days, I hate the you that keeping me away
Some days, all I feel that I want to do is lie down and cry
Some days, all I need is someone to comfort me

But most of the days,
not a single tears ever missed going down from this eyes
not a single seconds ever went without you in my mind

My heart have been closed for so many years
but with you, I've opened up and become fragile
Trusting that finally it wont break
trusting that finally someone wont let it go
trusting that finally i found you

But I was wrong
and now I was broken in more ways than I ever did
I was shattered to the point where there is no more left to break
I was finally an empty shell of human
filled up by the ghost of me


-naraj2014-

how does it feels?

For once, i thought that this is it
For once, I thought I've found someone who can't bear to lose me
For once, I thought I've found someone who loves me as much as I do

But I was wrong again...

how does it feels?
to be on the other side?
to be the one that gets all the begging?
to be the one ignoring all the begging?
to be the one holding the trigger that could kill a heart
to be the one that pulled the trigger no matter how much that other person loves you
to be the one that doesn't feel the need to have the loved ones by their side
to be the one that walks away

how does that feels to you?
to received all the love that I can give
to received all the attention that I always give
to still hate every little things that annoy you
to hate the little part of me that makes me who I am
to disrespect me in front of strangers about how annoyed you are with me
how suffocating I am to you
how does that feels?

is it empowering?
is it good?
does it makes you feel better?

i wonder...i only can wonder..
coz my heart was made to love truly and deeply
and doing everything i could before anything took you away
to fight to protect the relationship
but I guess, its another waste of time
another pieces to be broken


xoxo
-naraj2014-

losing hope

Sad, beautiful tragic love affair

Love...
I never thought that I would fall for him
I never thought that I would end up loving him
I never thought that I would love again

I fall for him
Fall for the idea of the future he keep telling me of
Fall for the idea of getting engaged and married in a short time
Fall for the idea of living together soon in a Halal way
Fall for the idea of a mature part of him

But I guess
once the feeling is lost
no matter how i tried to begged
he wont come back

I guess love just lost
I guess my life is just a circle of people abandoning me
I guess I'm not worth for anyone to stay
I guess I am not fit to be love

Coz in the end,
they would say I was trying to change them
in the end,
they would put all the blame on me when everything was being discussed
in the end,
I'm the only one who is stupid enough to be loyal
in the end,
I'm the only one left fighting
in the end,
it's only me alone.

...the end...

Its time to let go
Its time for me to protect this heart of mine
Its time for me to face the truth
Its time for me to realize it wasnt true
Not with you

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

...riverside...

here i am again

standing and strolling by the riverside

with a belief that I'm strong enough

strong enough to denied the temptation

the water's calling

the current is soothing

it makes my heart race

dying to jump into it again

I thought I was strong

to just looking at it by the riverside

but I guess I was wrong

as I feel myself slowly walking towards the edge

I hesitate, and I stopped

but I can't help myself from jumping

now I find myself sinking deep

slowly drowning

the water looked calm and tantalizing

but now that I'm inside

I can feel myself gasping for air

I need the surface to keep my head clear

I don't know how to survive this time around

Coz I've jumped too far ahead

With no hands or branch for me to hold on to

All I can do is to pray that I am strong enough

Strong enough to save myself

Strong enough to swim myself to the riverside

And decided not to look back ever again

Coz something told me to run

-Jonker Street, Melaka-

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

....Four Leaf Clover...

Boy, you let me down
I tried too hard & I feel numb now
That crooked smile & your charm that drew me in
Your beautiful eyes,
Can hide so many things
You were my Four Leaf Clover
My pure white dove
You were my lightning strike & my knock on wood
My hope & my faith
My luck & love
You were my shooting star
That lit up the sky
Then you broke the mirror & my heart died
No hope & no faith
No luck, no love
Just ordinary now
I'm not crying
But I thought you were the perfect thing for me
Don't get me wrong
You can be wonderful sometimes
But then you're lost
And you can't look me in the eyes

...i'd do it all over again...

everytime you came to me...
You're broken...
And i've given my all to mend you...
But you chose the road to destruction again and again...
Everybody hurts someday...
Everybody feels this way...
You're the one who decide...
Whether to mend yourself...
Or continue to be broken...
Or to be a jerk to yourself...

Love is not something you can choose...
Its either you felt it or you dont...
Its either you are sincere or you're not...
Its either you love the physical thing or the heart inside...

I have done all I can to save you...
But you still choose to stray away...

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

~Between you and i~

And its been years...
Since i last met you and shed my tears..
Never thought that we could be like this again...
And you keep saying how sorry you are...
Between you and i..
There will always be another girl that drift us apart..
Between you and i..
You will always keep leaving me to mend myself..
Between you and i..
You will keep coming back with those sorry's..
Between you and i..
I'll be foolish enough to trust you again and again...
Between you and i..
You never believed for our happy ending..
Between you and i..
I keep thinking that i was just your rebound..
Between you and i..
Your affection leds to my destruction..
Between you and i..
Its always been me who'd left with brokenheart...
Between you and i..
We had something beautiful...
But so dysfunctional,
Coz i knew you would never love me back...
Yet...i feel better near to you...

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

...running...

She gets up after she was slammed face down to the earth,
She starts with a slow crawl to find the lights
Still she stumbles along the way due to the vines
Still she bleeds getting through every thorns along the way

It was painful and it was torture 
Sometimes she rue her decision of carrying on
But after a while, she became jaded
All the pain and the cries has become dull

And then she runs with all her heart desire
and she breathe all the air that she's loving
and she sings all the beautiful serenade that she knows
and she begin to love herself more

The forest is still dark,there's nothing that she can see
but she keep on running based on her instinct
to find the lights that could make her see
all the beautiful things that her eyes crave to feast

there was a shine, a blinking distant light
she couldn't be sure but it gave her the sight
it makes her happy, it gives her joy
but that light keep blinking and it makes her heart sore

She was hopeful that the light would stays
To keep on shining throughout the journey
But the light can be misleading
and she might end up with a poach heart and bleeding

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥