From the Bottom of my Broken Heart

"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?
Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind
Where do I go?

And you didn't hear
All my joy through my tears
All my hopes through my fears
Did you know, still I miss you somehow

From the bottom of my broken heart
There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know
You were my first love, you were my true love
From the first kisses to the very last rose
From the bottom of my broken heart
Even though time may find me somebody new
You were my real love, I never knew love
'Til there was you
From the bottom of my broken heart

"Baby," I said, "please stay.
Give our love a chance for one more day"
We could have worked things out
Taking time is what love's all about

But you put a dart
Through my dreams through my heart
And I'm back where I started again
Never thought it would end

You promised yourself
But to somebody else
And you made it so perfectly clear
Still I wish you were here

"Never look back," we said
How was I to know I'd miss you so?

Things

There's a lot of things I want to share
There's a lot of things I want to talk about
There's a lot of decision I want to make with you
There's a lot of questions I want to ask from you

But I kept it inside
Letting it died and grow mold in my heart
Letting it rot and eating me inside
Because I feel like you dont even care anymore

You're too busy with your life
Too busy to even say hi
Too busy but not for your social life
Too busy for me but not for anyone else

I was kept in the dark
I was kept not knowing where you are
Or what you are working on
I was kept aside, not to be seen
I was just collecting dust in your heart
Where I was forgotten until you feel lonely

Who am I? Nothing to you
Where do I stand? Obviously no where near you

-naraj2017-

Its All on Me

Somehow i knew it was my fault.. It was my fault for letting you in. It was my fault for letting you stay.. It was my fault for letting you breaks my heart and my soul.. It was my fault for wanting your company and your attention.. It was my fault for always needing you to be presence.. It was my fault for loving you so deeply, that i destroys me.. It was my fault for letting you lie to me again and again.. It was my fault for thinking that you could only have eyes on me.. It was my fault that i would never be good enough for you.. It was my fault for feeling like i am never enough for you when you keep looking at other perfect girls and saying how much you want them.. It was my fault for thinking that you would want to marry me.. It was my fault thinking that you are matured beyond your age, which you are at the beginning.. It was my fault for thinking that you will always be that way.. It was my fault for letting you hold me back again and again.. It was my fault for thinking that you might love me as much as i did to you. It was my fault for hoping that this was my happily ever after.. It was my fault that i'm draining myself to become this lifeless and toxic person.. It was my fault for not being strong enough to get back to who i used to be.. It was my fault for not able to stay strong despite my surroundings.. I was not who i was 3 years ago..and it was my fault for letting me destroy myself when i feel like i was never enough for you..

~Naraj 2017©~

Unlove

How do people do it? Really..

How do you go on and live your life and leaving the person you love and devoted to just like that?

How to stop loving someone?

I only know one way before...because i had to...and it by killing my heart and turn it into ice.. Emotionless..dead heart...

Never thought i would be the one leaving and its killing me everyday...and i tried to kill my heart everyday since that day...

This hurts too much...i dont think i can make it this time around

-Naraj2017-

Loose

Dearly Beloved,

I dont know if we are going to make it through this time around. But I really do love you with all my heart. And if i'm letting us go, please know that the decision is really killing me.

I know you are a good guy. I know you have the potentials to be a great man someday. If you learn to ditch your bad habits, which I always nagged you about. But I guess, you never really listen to me anymore.

Just so you know, Action speaks louder than Words. Plus, when you keep flaunting that love words around, it doesnt have any special meaning anymore. I dont even know the different between your love for me and your love that you told to those other girls. I dont even know which is real anymore. 

You need to learn some few things if you want any of your future relationship to last. 
Firstly, learn to be 'amanah' with all the things that you said and plan out, in other words, learn to meant every words you said and dont get people hope up for nothing (that is just plain cruel and not funny). Dont simply said and promised people something then you just decide to forget about it. Try your best to fulfilled every words you said, if you couldnt, then let the person knows in advance not on the very same day you promised them or worse, not letting them know at all and just keep hoping. That hurts you know.

Secondly, learn and understand what loyal, faithful, devoted and committed really means. When you claim you are being loyal and faithful, it means you won't go around messaging any other random or unknown girls behind her back. Even if it was just for fun in your point of view, but that is already considered as not being faithful. When someone is committed and faithful to you, they dont even bother to look for other people just to be funny or just to joke around. A faithful person will only focus on the person they fall in love with and focus on them alone and ignoring all other people (unless, its your friends who needs your help in a good way..not just out of being bored, you have your girlfriend for that). 

Thirdly, learn to not make fun of others misfortune. Especially if what they were was given by God. Like limping legs, or imperfect mouth. For you its just for fun and laughing behind their back is okay. But remember, you are laughing at God's creation and gifts. And everytime you want to make fun of people, even to just joke around, replay your words or what you would say inside your head, and imagine those words are being said towards you. Usually, after you done those things, I would asked you that question, imagine that someone else said that exact same words to you. Your answer is always, that you would get angry and punch that person face or something. Even if that is just for fun, you yourself would get angry or sad. Do you think that person that you talked about dont have the same feelings too?

Lastly, learn to control your lust or atleast remove yourself from that group of friends thats always sharing you those indecent pictures and videos. Its not helping you in controlling your own lust if you keep on seeing those stuff and even worse when your circle of friends are spreading it around and not helping you in stopping it. It doesnt do you any good. And those kind of things doesnt make you look cool at all. And much worse, when your friends knows that you have a girlfriend but you enjoy those kind of things and engaged in talking about those thing, your friends wont even say it to your face, but behind you, they would say how pity your girlfriend is for not knowing what you are doing behind her back. And that my love, is the same thing as disrespecting your relationship and your girlfriend as well. 

You always said that I think too much and too deep or too far. Yes, I do. Because I am thinking about my future. I know what I want in a relationship and I know what I need. I am thinking further in marriage sense, because I've heard all the sad stories of a 5 years marriage, a 10 years marriage, a 20 years marriage that are becoming dull because of what the husband did and how the husband began to take things for granted. I dont want that kind of life or marriage. That scares me, and thats why i'm thinking in advance of everything. Heart change, people change.

If only in a year, you have start to take things for granted and began to be unfaithful towards me, its a nightmare for me thinking that this would keep happening my whole life being married with you. Being brokenhearted day by day. This is not something I can do anymore. It exhaust me. And I am not strong enough to be who I am anymore. I have turn to be a toxic person to our relationship, with all my insecurities and trust issues.

Maybe I was not meant to be your forever. Maybe we are just lesson for each other.
But I do love you and devoted to you with all my heart that I dont even know if there's anyone else is out there for me. But this is the limit that I could take.




An exhausted and broken me,
naraj2017

Not Enough

Have you really ever been in love? Like being devoted to that one person only, while your eyes and your heart went blind to the rest of the world?

I did. Always did.

But when the person that you devote your life and your time with, doesn't feel that they need to go that extra mile for you. Like they still look at other girls and messaging them ( like saying how much u love them or you missed them, or wish u could see them) or tweeting them (like saying to other girl who doesnt even know you to 'be mine') for the sake of just having fun (thats the reason that they would give). And I was not cool enough to understand that it was nothing and just being silly for being hurt by that 'nothing' that they describe. 

Well, after committing my time and being devoted to only them, that behavior that they do, it makes me feel like i was never enough for them. And it kept me thinking as well, are they ready for a commitment with this kind of behavior?

I dont think so too.

Cold

Cause I'm dying here
You were lying it was you and I forever
But now you make me shiver in the light
And I'm dying here,
And I'm crying over you that I remember
But now you make me shiver
You're so cold

Am I meant to sit here
And just take this,
When you promised me that I would be the one that you would never leave
I can't believe I fell for what you said
Does it make you feel good to make me feel less than I am?
Does it make you feel strong? Like you're a bigger man?
What did I do to deserve you to shut me out?
Did I love too much? Is that what this is about?
I used to thank god every morning for having you in my life
And now I'm praying just to forget you, and you know why

And if you were gonna lie, at least be a man and lie it to my face.
So you can watch my tears turn to blood, as I tear myself apart
Wondering why, why I ever fell for you
I put myself through hell for you

**** you, I hate you!
I love you, I need you
I wanna run, but I don't wanna run if you're not gonna find me.
So we should just pretend to be friends, right?
And fake our way to the bitter end.


You said that I'm the one
So why'd you leave me shivering in the cold?

Notice

I'm still dancing
Now we're burning
The heat was rising
And now we're breathing more and more

And I'm still trying
I'm not tired just yet
My eyes are drying
I never dream that you forget

In my room there was doubt
Now no words can come out
We were friends, we had heat
Now I choke when you speak
Because you never notice me
Because you never notice me

Can you see me now
Can you hear me shout
When I'm dancing through the fear

Will you catch my fall
Do you know me at all
It's like you never notice me
It's like you never notice me

Notice me

Damaged

and when i thought that my heart was broken into pieces
and when i thought that i finally find a solid ground
and when i thought that i finally moved on
and when i thought that i finally found my feet to get back up again
and when i thought i will arise

thats when it all came falling apart again
thats when i lost everything again
thats when my heart finally had its final straw
thats when i feel like nothing matters anymore
thats when i know i'm still not over you
coz you're the first one i was thinking of running to

the only two people who really cares
who really loves me for who i am
who always been there for me since i was a child
who showered me with love and attention that i never get from others
who backed me up every single time
who understands me more than anyone else
the only two people that really matters
both are gone now
and i have no where else to turn
i have no one else to love me like they do
to shower me with love and affections

i was trying hard not to look for you
i was trying hard not to find you
i was trying hard not to be weak again
i was trying hard coz i was scared of your indifference
i was scared that your reaction would shattered me more
losing, hoping, expecting...

i think i am finally damaged...
and all i've become was a living and walking contradiction..

-naraj2014-

What hurts the most

what if all these while you never knew
that his feelings for you slowly starts to fade
what if all these while its only you
who keep growing the love inside your heart

what if it was just a pretend
to hold on to the promises thats been said
what if he's been looking for reasons
to let you go and never coming back again

and what hurts the most is
i will never know

-naraj2014-

how can I?

tears stream, down your face,when you lost something you cannot replace-Coldplay 'Fix You'-

Cannot touch, cannot hold, cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss, cannot have each other
Must be strong and must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

Cannot dream, cannot share, sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel, how we feel, must pretend it's over
Must be brave and must go on
Must not say what we've known all alone

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one walks away
From all of the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone

dreams

my memories are so vivid
but you dissappeared like a smoke
sometimes i'm confused
whether its a dream or reality

i almost lost my mind
running around waiting for you
screaming around hoping for you
crying around wanting for you

sometimes i wish it was a dream
so i can wake up from the nightmare
so i can rewrite the happy ending
so i can ignore all the pain

~naraj2014~

Falling to nothingness...

Exhausted
I can't sleep
I can't breathe
Broke down every night and somehow become my lullaby
Broke down every morning after everyone leave the house

I'm falling apart
More and more each day
my heart, my hope, my love
I dont know if i could carry on this way

Now i dreaded
going to that place
the place where I might see you
Your face in the crowd
Afraid that I would be broken beyond saving
seeing the face that I love so much
that i missed so much
but beyond my reach

I never want to give up
coz this is more than just a fleeting feelings for me
i dreamt of forever
but you let go easily

I dread the day i see you
might be the day when i will be into pieces
i know i wont die
but i also know, i wont be the same
i feel the lights are slowly dying
the darkness starts creeping in
what i was once,
will only be the shell that held me in

-naraj2014-

What If

Don't speak, I can't believe
This is here happening
Our situation isn't right
Get real, who you playing with?
I never thought he'd be like this
You were supposed to be there by my side

When you say that you want me
I just don't believe it
You're always ready to give up
Whenever I turn around

What if I need you baby?
Would you even try to save me?
Or would you find some lame excuse
To never be true
What if I said I loved you?
Would you be the one to run to?
Or would you watch me walk away
Without a fight

I'm so sick of worrying
That you're gonna quit over anything
I could trip and you'd let go like that
And everything that we ever were
Seems to fade but not the hurt
Cause you don't know the good things from the bad

When I say that I want you
You know that I mean it
And in my hour of weakness
There's still time to try

Every time I speak you try to stop me
Cause every little thing I say is wrong
You say you're noticing but you never see
This is who I really am, that you can't believe
Makes me want to know right now
If it's me you'll live without
Or would you change your mind
What if I need you?

Time...

healing takes time
thats what people keep saying

i deserves better
believe me, i got tired hearing those words
especially from the people who left me

am I that easy to be replaced?
am I that boring that people keep leaving me?
am I not worth the truth by telling me that there's no more love for me instead of lying and telling me i deserves better?
am I?

moving on,
sounds easy for some people
but thats not me
i'm not the kind who gave my heart away
and able to just walk away easily

isn't there anyone who knows how to hold my heart?
is it that hard?
all i want is time
is it so hard?
unless people only keep wanting me as their trophies
as some sort of conquest

i'm tired
i dont think my heart can take it anymore
and this last one,
its the worst
coz i love him more than he deserves

imagine this
waking up everyday
trying to keep your chin up
and put on a brave face
when inside
your heart keeps breaking
knowing that
you have been forgotten by that person you love
and somehow
they dont even care anymore for you
and even degrade you in front of people
and being a jerk to you
and yet
you still cant stop loving
all you do is
fighting the urge to call them
the urge to contact them
to tell them how much you missed them
but you cant
because they are not yours anymore
not even yours to begin with

it hurts
it really does
it still is

broken...
naraj2014

bleeding...

Hurts

Never felt this kind of hurt before
My heart breaks everywhere i turned
all the places, all the faces

I live my life with him in every thoughts
with him in every decision
with him as the person i talk about
I've arrange my world to revolved with him besides me
the presents, the future...all with him next to me

his smell, began to fade
but his smile, his laugh, his voice
still stuck in my head
it hurts
when you love someone so much but you have to let go
it hurts
when you love someone but their love for you have fade away
it hurts
coz i still love him no matter what
it hurts
even when he betray me and i still love him
it hurts
when i was still in love but he moved on easily
it hurts
and all i want to do was to lay down and cry

love is not something i give in easily
and when i do, i will fight till i become numb enough to move on
i love with all that i have
and i love him too much to hate him

i cried to every song that we love
i cried to every movie that we used to talk about
i cried to every moments that we used to share
i cried to every picture that we had together
for every little thing...all i did was cry

my heart still bleeds
and it's unstoppable
i need him
all i wish is that he need me too

naraj2014

Ghost of Me

Some days, I feel my heart was as light as feathers
Some days, I feel like i can barely breathe
Some days, I know I still love you but I'm letting this go
Some days, I know I miss you but I couldnt let you know
Some days, I wonder how did we end up like this?
Some days, I wonder where did I went wrong?
Some days, I miss the you that used to shower me with love
Some days, I hate the you that keeping me away
Some days, all I feel that I want to do is lie down and cry
Some days, all I need is someone to comfort me

But most of the days,
not a single tears ever missed going down from this eyes
not a single seconds ever went without you in my mind

My heart have been closed for so many years
but with you, I've opened up and become fragile
Trusting that finally it wont break
trusting that finally someone wont let it go
trusting that finally i found you

But I was wrong
and now I was broken in more ways than I ever did
I was shattered to the point where there is no more left to break
I was finally an empty shell of human
filled up by the ghost of me


-naraj2014-

how does it feels?

For once, i thought that this is it
For once, I thought I've found someone who can't bear to lose me
For once, I thought I've found someone who loves me as much as I do

But I was wrong again...

how does it feels?
to be on the other side?
to be the one that gets all the begging?
to be the one ignoring all the begging?
to be the one holding the trigger that could kill a heart
to be the one that pulled the trigger no matter how much that other person loves you
to be the one that doesn't feel the need to have the loved ones by their side
to be the one that walks away

how does that feels to you?
to received all the love that I can give
to received all the attention that I always give
to still hate every little things that annoy you
to hate the little part of me that makes me who I am
to disrespect me in front of strangers about how annoyed you are with me
how suffocating I am to you
how does that feels?

is it empowering?
is it good?
does it makes you feel better?

i wonder...i only can wonder..
coz my heart was made to love truly and deeply
and doing everything i could before anything took you away
to fight to protect the relationship
but I guess, its another waste of time
another pieces to be broken


xoxo
-naraj2014-

losing hope

Sad, beautiful tragic love affair

Love...
I never thought that I would fall for him
I never thought that I would end up loving him
I never thought that I would love again

I fall for him
Fall for the idea of the future he keep telling me of
Fall for the idea of getting engaged and married in a short time
Fall for the idea of living together soon in a Halal way
Fall for the idea of a mature part of him

But I guess
once the feeling is lost
no matter how i tried to begged
he wont come back

I guess love just lost
I guess my life is just a circle of people abandoning me
I guess I'm not worth for anyone to stay
I guess I am not fit to be love

Coz in the end,
they would say I was trying to change them
in the end,
they would put all the blame on me when everything was being discussed
in the end,
I'm the only one who is stupid enough to be loyal
in the end,
I'm the only one left fighting
in the end,
it's only me alone.

...sad beautiful tragic...

Long handwritten note 

deep in your pocket
Words, 

how little they mean when you're a little too late
I stood right by the tracks,

 your face in a locket
Good girls, hopeful they'll be 

and long they will wait

We had a beautiful magic love there
What a sad beautiful tragic love affair

In dreams I meet you in warm conversation
We both wake in lonely beds different cities
And time is taking its sweet time erasing you
And you've got your demons, and darling, they all look like me

'Cause we had a beautiful magic love there
What a sad beautiful tragic love affair

Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting
Silence, this train runs off its tracks
Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen?
Hang up, give up, for the life of us we can't get back
What we had a beautiful magic love there
What a sad beautiful tragic love affair