I'm suffering because of my own delusional way of thinking...am I?
or
I'm actually getting crazy and misinterpret everything?
ooppssiieee...another dark emotional post?
well, i guess that's it...
it is actually called the page of shadows, which is where I pour out all the negative vibes in me that I rarely show..
LOL...still, I like to think positively but a lil bit of drama inside here...
this is where i tell my stories in a different way but still the same...
and every story does sound the same actually and hopefully one day,it will be full of lights and flowery thingy...
the thing is, i found that, depression and hurtful feelings and sadness, brings out the part of me that are quite poetic..hhahaha..sound silly? I know, I think so too.. :P
well, I did try to poems out the beautiful feelings I'm feeling...but then, as reality does and always does to me, it always end up being a sad story...
I wish I could turn it the other way round..
wish I was positive enough to be really open with these stuff on sadness and heartbreak... ;p
Been reading a motivational book called, "He's just not that into you"...thanks to my beautiful housemate,who lend it to me..
While I was reading the book, I feel really strong and capable of anything...and it really motivates me..
but once I finish the book, I try to be what the book been telling me to do...but somehow, I always end up feeling more miserable than before...
I try to make believe that everything's okay, but that only makes it worse...
Sometimes I try to put up with everything by laughing too loud, making silly comments, doing silly stuff that makes me look and feel stupid, so that I look ok and silly rather than miserable and sad...
It was easier before when I didn't know...
when I'm still in the dark...
but after that "once upon a time-fairy tale" kind of experience that he gave me,
that he showed me...
I feel like I still want to fight for it...
I won't let it go easily...
eventhough I'll be miserable at best...
it's hard, I know...
try to turn my world bakc to its normal axis without him circling in my orbit..
but the gravity still pulls the memory of him into me...
sometimes I even wondered, will he regret if he can't see me anymore?
will he regret letting me go without even trying?
will that even happen in his mind?
I don't know why...
but I know my health is deteriorating again..
mu muscle pain occured more frequently especially my heart muscle
and my hair!!! my lovely hair, everyday I lost more than I used to...it's too much!
heck, I didnt even get any chemo or taking my pills again, but why does it keeps falling out??
I need my pills again I guess...
but I'm too scared to go on a check-up..
I dont want what happen few years back repeat itself again...
I hate hospitals and I dont want to get into one again..not because of this stupid illness!
I love my blood and I prefer it to be in my blood vessels not some needles..
being in a hospital with ur blood taken everyday to be tested for lung disease are not a good feeling and very exhausting!
Polymyositis is quite annoying when it strikes you suddenly...
oh well, I guess, I just need my pills and some exercise...
I wish to be back home...coz here, nothing much I can do except run..
atleast back home, I'll go swimming, futsal and running...lots of stuff to do with my siblings n cousins...
I haven't found any girl friends that into futsal here...i miss kicking out..LOL
oh hell...need to sleep now...finally, everything's out my chest..so hopefully, I'll dream a happy dream tonight~
or
I'm actually getting crazy and misinterpret everything?
ooppssiieee...another dark emotional post?
well, i guess that's it...
it is actually called the page of shadows, which is where I pour out all the negative vibes in me that I rarely show..
LOL...still, I like to think positively but a lil bit of drama inside here...
this is where i tell my stories in a different way but still the same...
and every story does sound the same actually and hopefully one day,it will be full of lights and flowery thingy...
the thing is, i found that, depression and hurtful feelings and sadness, brings out the part of me that are quite poetic..hhahaha..sound silly? I know, I think so too.. :P
well, I did try to poems out the beautiful feelings I'm feeling...but then, as reality does and always does to me, it always end up being a sad story...
I wish I could turn it the other way round..
wish I was positive enough to be really open with these stuff on sadness and heartbreak... ;p
Been reading a motivational book called, "He's just not that into you"...thanks to my beautiful housemate,who lend it to me..
While I was reading the book, I feel really strong and capable of anything...and it really motivates me..
but once I finish the book, I try to be what the book been telling me to do...but somehow, I always end up feeling more miserable than before...
I try to make believe that everything's okay, but that only makes it worse...
Sometimes I try to put up with everything by laughing too loud, making silly comments, doing silly stuff that makes me look and feel stupid, so that I look ok and silly rather than miserable and sad...
It was easier before when I didn't know...
when I'm still in the dark...
but after that "once upon a time-fairy tale" kind of experience that he gave me,
that he showed me...
I feel like I still want to fight for it...
I won't let it go easily...
eventhough I'll be miserable at best...
it's hard, I know...
try to turn my world bakc to its normal axis without him circling in my orbit..
but the gravity still pulls the memory of him into me...
sometimes I even wondered, will he regret if he can't see me anymore?
will he regret letting me go without even trying?
will that even happen in his mind?
I don't know why...
but I know my health is deteriorating again..
mu muscle pain occured more frequently especially my heart muscle
and my hair!!! my lovely hair, everyday I lost more than I used to...it's too much!
heck, I didnt even get any chemo or taking my pills again, but why does it keeps falling out??
I need my pills again I guess...
but I'm too scared to go on a check-up..
I dont want what happen few years back repeat itself again...
I hate hospitals and I dont want to get into one again..not because of this stupid illness!
I love my blood and I prefer it to be in my blood vessels not some needles..
being in a hospital with ur blood taken everyday to be tested for lung disease are not a good feeling and very exhausting!
Polymyositis is quite annoying when it strikes you suddenly...
oh well, I guess, I just need my pills and some exercise...
I wish to be back home...coz here, nothing much I can do except run..
atleast back home, I'll go swimming, futsal and running...lots of stuff to do with my siblings n cousins...
I haven't found any girl friends that into futsal here...i miss kicking out..LOL
oh hell...need to sleep now...finally, everything's out my chest..so hopefully, I'll dream a happy dream tonight~
XOXO ♥
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