~~ShaDowS QuoTe oF tHe DaY~~

LaW mAkeR sHoUlD nOt bE lAw BrEaKeR

Life fails to be perfect but never fails to be beautiful~
-anon-



...lost or falling...

Friday, October 22, 2010

I'm suffering because of my own delusional way of thinking...am I?
or
I'm actually getting crazy and misinterpret everything?

ooppssiieee...another dark emotional post?
well, i guess that's it...
it is actually called the page of shadows, which is where I pour out all the negative vibes in me that I rarely show..
LOL...still, I like to think positively but a lil bit of drama inside here...
this is where i tell my stories in a different way but still the same...
and every story does sound the same actually and hopefully one day,it will be full of lights and flowery thingy...
the thing is, i found that, depression and hurtful feelings and sadness, brings out the part of me that are quite poetic..hhahaha..sound silly? I know, I think so too.. :P

well, I did try to poems out the beautiful feelings I'm feeling...but then, as reality does and always does to me, it always end up being a sad story...
I wish I could turn it the other way round..
wish I was positive enough to be really open with these stuff on sadness and heartbreak... ;p

Been reading a motivational book called, "He's just not that into you"...thanks to my beautiful housemate,who lend it to me..
While I was reading the book, I feel really strong and capable of anything...and it really motivates me..
but once I finish the book, I try to be what the book been telling me to do...but somehow, I always end up feeling more miserable than before...
I try to make believe that everything's okay, but that only makes it worse...
Sometimes I try to put up with everything by laughing too loud, making silly comments, doing silly stuff that makes me look and feel stupid, so that I look ok and silly rather than miserable and sad...

It was easier before when I didn't know...
when I'm still in the dark...
but after that "once upon a time-fairy tale" kind of experience that he gave me,
that he showed me...
I feel like I still want to fight for it...
I won't let it go easily...
eventhough I'll be miserable at best...
it's hard, I know...
try to turn my world bakc to its normal axis without him circling in my orbit..
but the gravity still pulls the memory of him into me...
sometimes I even wondered, will he regret if he can't see me anymore?
will he regret letting me go without even trying?
will that even happen in his mind?

I don't know why...
but I know my health is deteriorating again..
mu muscle pain occured more frequently especially my heart muscle
and my hair!!! my lovely hair, everyday I lost more than I used to...it's too much!
heck, I didnt even get any chemo or taking my pills again, but why does it keeps falling out??
I need my pills again I guess...
but I'm too scared to go on a check-up..
I dont want what happen few years back repeat itself again...
I hate hospitals and I dont want to get into one again..not because of this stupid illness!
I love my blood and I prefer it to be in my blood vessels not some needles..
being in a hospital with ur blood taken everyday to be tested for lung disease are not a good feeling and very exhausting!
Polymyositis is quite annoying when it strikes you suddenly...
oh well, I guess, I just need my pills and some exercise...
I wish to be back home...coz here, nothing much I can do except run..
atleast back home, I'll go swimming, futsal and running...lots of stuff to do with my siblings n cousins...
I haven't found any girl friends that into futsal here...i miss kicking out..LOL

oh hell...need to sleep now...finally, everything's out my chest..so hopefully, I'll dream a happy dream tonight~

XOXO ♥

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