To that old dark place

Three years ago, something happen. My heart was broken to the point of where i was thinking about suicide to end it.  It was so painful and by the end of the day, my heart chose to be cold and jaded and shutting off any feelings that are near to affection or love.

Almost one year and a half i was living and forcing myself to keep on going because of how jaded i feel. I dont even have any care to the world or anyone, even myself. I starts to plan things to give me reason to keep on going, to keep living. But i still cant open my heart to anyone. My mom tried to have someone to open my heart again, my foster mom keep asking me to open my heart to someone she thinks would be good for me, someone who wants to marry me. But i just cant. I lost all hope and feelings of doing any of those. That is how jaded i am, that at one point, i kinda scared myself.

I prayed to God to open my heart again. To soften my heart. To make me feel love again. But i still feel nothing. I keep on living, planning to fulfill my childhood dreams, thinking maybe that could make me happy again, trying to get some excitement in my life again. Its easy to pretend to feels those feelings in front of people.  But inside, i just need reasons to busy myself. So i started working 3 jobs at a time. 24/7. I was rarely home. Even my family rarely see me around. Mom even have to make appointment to get my time.

One year and a month ago, when i was in Japan, living my childhood dreams. Someone from the past came knocking at my heart. Someone who i used to feel good with. Someone that i know without fail, used to make me laugh. He was the one who was able to tore down the walls to my heart and make me feel again. I feel alive and loved. And i fall harder in the next few months with all the attentions that he showered me with. I feel like i was his life and soul. I feel like he was there every single minute of my life because he never let me be alone even on my own. He will texts me and called me whenever he could. I was head over heels by the time he make me meet his parents and his family.

I keep praying that it would last. That this would be the one. Because i never felt so happy and so in love with anyone else. Up until when i found out something that breaks my heart and my trust towards him. It happen on the 100 days we were together. I was so devastated that i decided to let go there and then. But he fought for it. He fought for us. I never have anyone fought for me before, usually people just let me go. So i stayed, and tried my best to put my trust in him again. But by then, my insecurities issue have come up to surface again after my trust have been broken.

A year of going back and forth of me trying to trust him and figthing with him with his fondness of messenging or replying to other girls. Random girls, unknown girls. He keep telling himself and me that it was nothing, it was for fun and it meant nothing because it was not real, because he dont even know them. He didnt understand how betrayed i feel everytime i found out about that, even when i keep telling him that whenever he did that, he is breaking my heart.

After a year, my heart trying to get back to defend itself again. It keep getting hurt by being ignored, being broken again and again. He never bothered about us anymore. Calls are rare, going out or meeting each other only when i bought movie tickets that he want to watch, and i keep buying because thats the only way for me to see him at all. Overtime, i feel tired trying to keep this up. Trying to save us on my own. He didnt make any effort at all. So i decided to let go. Something that i never did and never thought that i would.

It was not easy. Despite all that happen, despite what he did, i still love him. So much that it hurts. I was still hoping for the old him to come back and save us. But its killing me when he decided to just let go and not give a damn. He didnt even fought for us anymore.

And now, i crave to be back to that cold place again. Its killing me to stay and its killing me more to let go. Because i love him and it hurts when he shows like he didnt. I want to be jaded again, before i go back to that suicidal girl again. This hurts too much now. I just want it to stop.