unsure

Being an empath during these pandemic actually hurts. Alot.

At first, i don't really understand the overwhelming roller coaster of emotions that i have been having. 

It was hard, cause i thought it was due to some incident that happen to my heart. 

But i had make peace with my heart and mind on that topic, though sometimes i do feel like not giving up but i dont want to push something that was not welcome.

Then i realized, everyone around me was affected emotionally due to this pandemic. 

The insecurities, the anxieties they have, everything was being absorb by me and taking a toll in my heart and making me confused. I was down with insomnia since the start of this lockdown, that is why i was concerned about others around me to make sure they have enough sleep while they can. 

My insomnia leads to my anxiety attack, low immune system, and recently just recovered from a slight attack due to my immune system disorder. Still trying my best to make sure no other attack will come. 

So at times, i just shut off the world. Ignore my phone or any news or post that could trigger the emotional rundown again. I ignore people msg and only replied them when i feel stable enough to help them go through whatever they are going through without riling up my own emotion. I even try not to make any emotion-related conversation with my housemate by ignoring her. 

I would turn to books, or arts stuff and just listen to soothing songs. 

I can't stand the quietness, as it makes the voices in my head louder. I can't turn to nature like i would usually do.

As hard it is for me, i guess it feels harder for others, coz i can feel that and as usual i feel the need to fix that. 

But i can't. 

So for now, all i can do is shut off my emotion from the world and try to stay oblivious enough to make sure my empath doesnt consume me as it almost did.

And i'm sorry for the people that try to reach out to me for help and also asking about me and my condition. 

Sometimes i lied, coz i just dont want to dwell in it too much at these times. Its easier for me to write it down than to talk about it. 

And i hope everyone is coping much better than i am. 

Coz even i am unsure if my coping mechanism will actually works or not, but it does helps in slowly fixing my sleeping pattern, eventhough i still cant get enough proper sleep. 

But for now, 'ignorance is bliss', gave a whole new meaning for me. 

-naraj2020-