...lost or falling...

I'm suffering because of my own delusional way of thinking...am I?
or
I'm actually getting crazy and misinterpret everything?

ooppssiieee...another dark emotional post?
well, i guess that's it...
it is actually called the page of shadows, which is where I pour out all the negative vibes in me that I rarely show..
LOL...still, I like to think positively but a lil bit of drama inside here...
this is where i tell my stories in a different way but still the same...
and every story does sound the same actually and hopefully one day,it will be full of lights and flowery thingy...
the thing is, i found that, depression and hurtful feelings and sadness, brings out the part of me that are quite poetic..hhahaha..sound silly? I know, I think so too.. :P

well, I did try to poems out the beautiful feelings I'm feeling...but then, as reality does and always does to me, it always end up being a sad story...
I wish I could turn it the other way round..
wish I was positive enough to be really open with these stuff on sadness and heartbreak... ;p

Been reading a motivational book called, "He's just not that into you"...thanks to my beautiful housemate,who lend it to me..
While I was reading the book, I feel really strong and capable of anything...and it really motivates me..
but once I finish the book, I try to be what the book been telling me to do...but somehow, I always end up feeling more miserable than before...
I try to make believe that everything's okay, but that only makes it worse...
Sometimes I try to put up with everything by laughing too loud, making silly comments, doing silly stuff that makes me look and feel stupid, so that I look ok and silly rather than miserable and sad...

It was easier before when I didn't know...
when I'm still in the dark...
but after that "once upon a time-fairy tale" kind of experience that he gave me,
that he showed me...
I feel like I still want to fight for it...
I won't let it go easily...
eventhough I'll be miserable at best...
it's hard, I know...
try to turn my world bakc to its normal axis without him circling in my orbit..
but the gravity still pulls the memory of him into me...
sometimes I even wondered, will he regret if he can't see me anymore?
will he regret letting me go without even trying?
will that even happen in his mind?

I don't know why...
but I know my health is deteriorating again..
mu muscle pain occured more frequently especially my heart muscle
and my hair!!! my lovely hair, everyday I lost more than I used to...it's too much!
heck, I didnt even get any chemo or taking my pills again, but why does it keeps falling out??
I need my pills again I guess...
but I'm too scared to go on a check-up..
I dont want what happen few years back repeat itself again...
I hate hospitals and I dont want to get into one again..not because of this stupid illness!
I love my blood and I prefer it to be in my blood vessels not some needles..
being in a hospital with ur blood taken everyday to be tested for lung disease are not a good feeling and very exhausting!
Polymyositis is quite annoying when it strikes you suddenly...
oh well, I guess, I just need my pills and some exercise...
I wish to be back home...coz here, nothing much I can do except run..
atleast back home, I'll go swimming, futsal and running...lots of stuff to do with my siblings n cousins...
I haven't found any girl friends that into futsal here...i miss kicking out..LOL

oh hell...need to sleep now...finally, everything's out my chest..so hopefully, I'll dream a happy dream tonight~

XOXO ♥

...just because...

just because, I miss you

just because, I still can't get myself to hate you

and I can't seem to forget you

just because it's you...

just because, I feel empty without you

just because, I remember the way you hold my hands

just because, I love the feelings I'm feeling when I'm with you

just because~

♥...Dear...♥

the first time I saw you

you looking at me

with that look in your eyes

makes me feel naked

and I hate you from that day on

an unsettling feeling and emotion coming over me

everytime I feel you looking at me

and I feel like everything I do is not right

that look you gave me, gives me a feeling I never felt before

and I hate that alien feeling

so I decided to hate you

Then we move on to the different phase of our life

never thought that I'd see you again

and there you are smiling at me

my heart skip a beat

when you tell me your name and you known mine

that smile of yours have capture my heart there and then

and you make me remember the things I've forget

you remember the clothes that I wear

you remember the colours that I've forget

and I'm touched

slowly time goes by

and you were there when my world comes tumbling down

you were there to pick me up when that person throw me away

you were there

you gave me strength to make it through

you gave me hope when my hope is gone

you gave me the sweet revenge that I need

I know I've been pestering you ever since

I can't seem to go on without you

You were scared, I know

of the past that you seem to not forget

I tried to reach for you but you backed away

and I was scared that you'll hate me

so I try to move on

then you came again when I wasn't expecting you to

you gave me hope and love

you said those words to me

and I feel blessed

it feels like a fairytale story to me

you were there at the middle of the night

you were there to keep me company

you were there to listen to my ramblings

you were there to listen to me sleeping

you were there to brush away my nightmares

but I guess, it's always too much for you

coz you move back into your caccoon

and I'm all alone again

just when I started to forget about you

you came to find me

my heart just won't listen to my head

and I fall for you again

the memories of the forest of fireflies you brought me to

now seems so far away

the way you like to lean your head to mine

the way you touch my hands along the way

the way you called me

makes my heart aches

everytime I remembered the things that you said

the sorry that you asked

the love that you said you have to let go

I thought I could show you

how much I care for you

even when we are apart

you have nothing to be afraid of

but I guess, that fear is much more stronger than my love for you

but you still keep me in this silent

and you even left me alone when I need you most

and now I'm left to tend and bandaged my own wounds

when you said that you scared of hurting me

but when you left, you just did what you're scared of

suddenly I'm back at the core

thinking of her who you like before

did you love her, the way you love me?

is there a chance that there might be traces of her that you still miss?

I'll try to move on while waiting for you to come back

you said you're scared that I'd left you for my true love

Well darling,for me you are my true love

naraj 10'

♥

10.10.10

don't you just love that number?? XD

I'm born on the 10th day...

so 10 has always been my fav no~

It's been a busy week and busy days..

but I feel restless..

I need to get out all this feelings from my system..

But then, not all...

Even if I pour it out, that particular person won't be reading I guess..

Is it so hard to wear your heart on your sleeve???

Well, it doesn't seems hard when he's around me...

But it seems hard when he was around his friends...and when we are far apart...

I miss you Mr Darcy..

I wish I could just pour it out to you, but I guess, I'm afraid that you'll hate me...

The only feeling that I hope you won't feel towards me..

It's good to finally hear your voice last time and I wish I could hear more..

I hope you're doing fine...

I do feel lonely without you...but I guess you're much stronger than I am...coz you never showed it..

All I wanna say is, I'm missing you more and more each day...

Try to forget you, but it seems like I always forget to forget about you...

If you do read this, please take care of yourself when I won't be able to look over you anymore...

I hope you'll be happy with your true love if you ever find yours...

Coz I believe I've found mine...and that's you :D

But I don't know if I can hold on much longer with my health deteriorating each single day...

I don't want to be a real CRIPPLE that would bother your life...anymore..☹

I guess, I'll just let you go

and thank you for all the beautiful memories with the fireflies ♥

naraj 10'

...Walking down memory land...

Looking at some old pictures...well, not that very long...but seems long enough for me...
I miss them...I miss the fun with them...I miss being carefree with them...

they said we've changed...they said we forget all that they've done for us...but we're not...
Just because of a small thing that comes with sincerity, all of us drift apart and though it seems ok now, we always feel like there's a huge wall blocking both of our worlds...
No more fighting over silly things, no more calling each other names...no more...and I hate it...
Why does it have to be this way?
Is it because we're too emphatic that we can feel the hatred and betrayals that you guys think we did...or is it because you guys are too childish to realize that we didn't mean it that way...

I just want the old we back...I just want the peace back...
Spread love...not hatred...

XOXO

...Could it be pride or phobia?...

Been growing up reading, living and practically try to be in one of the literature books.

As a girl, I can't help but to fall in love with Pride & Prejudice...

and as everyone else did, I fall in love with Mr Darcy...

I've been dreaming and looking for my very own Mr Darcy...

But unfortunately, living in this reality, no man as gentleman and as loving though with a pride of his own, exist..

I gave up on that idea long ago...even though I loved imagining that he do exist... ;p

Pride and Prejudice started with how Mr Darcy watch and gave a prideful remarks on Elizabeth Bennet...and how Elizabeth Bennet have a very prejudice feelings towards Mr Darcy after hearing that remarks...

and my story starts with a prejudice feeling towards him...and him, with a pride look on his face while looking at me...

and now...I guess I've found my Mr Darcy *big grin*

and as the real Mr Darcy by Jane Austen, he ran away after he felt his feelings towards Elizabeth grew stronger and doesnt want Caroline to keep hurting Elizabeth's feelings...and my Mr Darcy, ran away because he said he was scared that he'll hurt me... :(

 Real Mr Darcy is full of pride and confidence except in a matter of Elizabeth...

and my Mr Darcy is full of pride but lacks of confidence in my matter...

In my point of view, he really have a low self-esteem...but in front of me only...

but a very strong pride in front of others...

and that low self-esteem is caused by his pride i guess...or his phobia from previous relationship...

and I guess I'm not going to know until he can resolve on his own...just like when real Mr Darcy come to realize that he really needs to be with Elizabeth...

and I hope my Mr Darcy will too~ XD

naraj 10'