Thoughts

He's the kind of character that i'd fall for

Unreachable but i still want to make him mine

Like those anime that i watched

Someone whose almost perfect

He's funny, witty and making people around him at ease

That child-like appearance

But inside, his mind is as deep as mine

His thoughts and action was beyond mature

His broken heart was still cracked

Making my heart hurts

Hoping that he would be able to move on

Opening his beautiful heart again for something true

I don't want to wait around getting ignored

And to see that moment comes for him

Coz i know that will be hard for me

Breaking my almost nonexistence heart again

-naraj2020-

the perfect imperfection

I was ready

I was always ready

To settle down

To find the one

People around me knows

That i'm a perfect wife material

I can cooked different types of food

I am good at taking care of children

I am excellent with the elders

I can be neat and clean

I do house chores all the time

They said it was enough

And i was perfect coz i was pretty too

Coz they only see the side of me that i choose to show

But despite all that

Preparing myself since i was young for someone special

Trying to be the perfect daughter and perfect sister

My time was spent for others

To make them happy even when i'm not

To fulfilled their every request no matter how drained i am

I forgot to learn how to love myself

I forgot on how to make myself happy

I forgot that, i am more important than anyone else

And i learned that lesson the hard way

I learned self love very late in life

I was drowning in my depression

Barely keeping my head above the water

Where i prayed to God to keep me sane

When i realized i need to be selfish for once

Selfish enough for my own soul to recover

Selfish enough for me to feel loved by myself

For me to spend more time just for me

And learn to be okay with imperfection

Because, i am just human after all

And human learns from mistakes

I am showing a good example just by revealing my weakest state

To show them that, no matter how dark it seems

You can always get back up

Coz there is always a silver lining at the end of the tunnel

As long as you learn how to love yourself

And know how to save yourself

And to know that, the special one, 

should be yourself not someone else

-naraj2020-

i lived

I've been suicidal when i was a kid

Wearing long sleeves hiding my scars

Writing down my morbid thoughts

And no one ever knows

My hopeless romantic side of me

Kinda save my life

Coz i keep believing that someday

Somehow, i will be happy

And i keep on living

Thinking that if its not happy, then its not the end

Never accepted anyone in my younger days

Coz i know no one is real at that age

Everyone just want to play around

And i dont want something that wont last

Until i was in my uni 

When everyone keep saying that i was too choosy

That i will end up alone if i keep on going

So i tried... I tried real hard

Loving those that came for me

Trying to accept them as they were

To make sure that i love without regrets

But i end up in pieces at the end of the day

Now i've learned that i deserved better

And i am happy being alone

No matter what people say

Coz i wear my heart on my sleeves

And people take that for granted

All the time

I was once at the verge on knocking on death door

That two weeks of struggling

To be alive, to be well

Stucked in a hospital, 

being drained out of blood every single day

Getting high on morphine for the pain

In and out of conciousness

With strangers around you

I keep thinking of two things only

To keep living and fight to live the way i am

Or to just succumb to it and end up all the pain for good

I choose to live

So many things i still want to do

So many things i still want to experience

Even the childish things they said that i'm into

As long it makes my heart sing of happiness

And i can say that i lived

I take chances, so i wont have regrets

I make impromptu plans without any backup plans

I just go wherever the path takes me to

I did fall down and get weakened by the hardship

But the universe has its own way of reminding me

Of the beauty that still exist out there, the hope

To remind me that, i lived

Some may say i'm reckless

But i did it because i dont want to missed out on something amazing

I dont want to end up thinking the what if of that decision

I might find something beautiful along the way

Or i might stuck on something bad

But at least i can tell myself, i tried

And i lived

Hope, is my strongest weapon in me

Hope for something beautiful

Hope for love

Hope for happiness

Hope for an ever after

-naraj2020-

Have you?

Have you ever fallen for someone

So bad, even when you are not in a compatible age?

Fallen for someone who finally

Making your soul feels alive

And your innerchild screaming of joy?

Someone who would understand that childish part of yours

Coz he was into those things that others think as wasting time?

Have you ever got rejected by someone

Who you finally think would be your match

And you end up losing sleep trying to get over it

But instead keep on getting nightmares on how good it would be between both of you

And end up waking with more broken heart

So you prefer staying awake as late as you can, so you wont get any dreams at all?

Have you ever fall and gets rejected

And you feel how that person try to distance themselves from you

But you didnt feel angry at all only sad?

Coz you understand how it may look from his point of view

And you can't blame him for it?

And you still wish the best for him because you see his potential

And you got jealous for a nonexisting future girl of his for having him in her life?

Because you know how good he will be, how loyal he will be and care for her with all his heart?

Have you ever wish that, 

a 10 years younger man to really want to be with you

Despite your age gap

And save you for all the heartache

Coz he is finally the one who clicks to your soul

And checked all the high standard boxes that you created after the last one destroyed you?

Thinking that no real human would be able to really checked those boxes but he did?

I have... 

And it hurts... 

So bad... 

-naraj2020-

The Last

The first was that highschool crush

That lasted for 7 years

Keeping it hidden inside

Until my uni year

Rejecting everyone that tried to be close

Until i heard that he finally settled down with a girl

The perfect gentleman i've known back then

The second was that chemistry guy

During my pre-med time

The first guy who make my heart whispered "he's the one"

But he threw me aside 

When his first crush that rejected him before, came back

Coz she want him not to move on from her

Laughing with her friends when she sees me crumble 

On the day he chosed her over me

A year after, she dump him when i was not around anymore

And he came back again and again regretting everything

And apologizing to me

Saying he felt that i was the one for him

But he was scared to proceed because of our difference in religion

The third was that science student

Who helped me get my revenge on my unfaithful ex

Who become my knight on that eventful night

Who backed away when i continued my degree and he got a job after diploma

Thinking that he dont deserves me due to his inferiority complex

The one that gave me hope and crushed it down within a week time

The last... 

He might be the last

Was a young man... 

The first i ever confessed to

Too young that i never thought it could be possible for me and for him

A soul as restless as mine

A mind that is so much more creative than mine

A gentleman that is wiser beyond his age

A manner that i rarely see anymore these days

A heart that is still tender and pure

Someone that gives the meaning of lilacs

A blossoming first love

Someone that makes my heart beats again

Waking up the hopeless romantic side of me again

Making me believe that true love might exist

And erasing all the hurt and betrayal i've experienced before

Before my vision of love was corrupted

But it was not meant to be

As he haven't move on from his hurt

And he was not ready 

and maybe think its impossible due to our age gap

I would think myself crazy too if i was in his shoes back then

The last that makes me learn more

About this feelings that came uninvited

Allowing myself to learn that i am not as strong as i think i am

To know that my heart was still as fragile as ever

Still feeding on hopeless hope for it to live

To learn that maybe being jaded was the best

To learn that maybe i was meant to be alone

Instead of letting my own heart feels like its dying and suffocating

And letting my brain keep overthinking of all the different outcome and consequences

Of what might be

So let him be the last

Before i throw away this key for good

So my heart won't be broken anymore

I can finally be free without any hopeless hope to hold on to

-naraj2020-

turn it off

The blooming heart is dying

And the poems runs out dried

I'm not ready to let go

Cause then i'd never know

What i could be missing

But i'm missing way too much

So when do i give up

What i've been wishing for?

Its easier if there is a switch

To turn it off

To put out the misery for good

-naraj2020-

Me

I got these feelings on my own

So i will try to get rid of it by my own

I will not put the blame on anyone

Coz its my own heart thats at fault

This fragile heart of mine

Was not meant to be exposed

Coz no one would understand

No one ever will

I'm sorry

I'm sorry for being this way

For not acting like my age

Sorry for coming up to you

And tell you what's in my heart

I'm sorry for making you uneasy

For messing up with your head

I'm sorry if this came as a shock to you

It was never meant to be that way

I'm sorry for losing my cool that one time

Finding it hard to let it go

But this is my promise to you

I am moving on and letting you go

Lets become close for something that we love

Friends with adventures and similar enthusiasm 

Let me watch you grow

Into something great that i know you will

So i can be rest assured

That someone like you does exist somewhere in this world

-naraj2020-

Dear Heart

Dear heart
Are you ever coming back to me
Did you ever notice how I need you now
To experience the things I see

Dear heart
I know you're hiding out somewhere
I'm feeling numb without someone
To tell me that I'm still enough

Show me which way to go
Tell me it gets easier
I'm scared I'll lose control
Can we go back to the way we were
Oh, dear heart

Hey friend
I know you're feeling incomplete
I wish I knew just what you need
Cause when you're hurting I can feel how deep

Hey friend
I promise I won't fix you up
You're beautiful with all your scars and cuts
And I hope that someday someone sees how much

Show me which way to go
Tell me it gets easier
I'm scared I'll lose control
Can we go back to the way we were
Oh, dear heart

Don't give, don't give up on me
I'm still, I'm still pulling myself together
I need, I need time to breathe

Don't give up on me

Show me which way to go
Tell me it gets easier

I'm scared I'll lose control
Can we go back to the way we were
Oh, dear heart

All the years have made you bittersweet
And you're not as quick to trust what looks like love
Cause the last time they left both of us

-Meg & Dia-