i lived

I've been suicidal when i was a kid

Wearing long sleeves hiding my scars

Writing down my morbid thoughts

And no one ever knows

My hopeless romantic side of me

Kinda save my life

Coz i keep believing that someday

Somehow, i will be happy

And i keep on living

Thinking that if its not happy, then its not the end

Never accepted anyone in my younger days

Coz i know no one is real at that age

Everyone just want to play around

And i dont want something that wont last

Until i was in my uni 

When everyone keep saying that i was too choosy

That i will end up alone if i keep on going

So i tried... I tried real hard

Loving those that came for me

Trying to accept them as they were

To make sure that i love without regrets

But i end up in pieces at the end of the day

Now i've learned that i deserved better

And i am happy being alone

No matter what people say

Coz i wear my heart on my sleeves

And people take that for granted

All the time

I was once at the verge on knocking on death door

That two weeks of struggling

To be alive, to be well

Stucked in a hospital, 

being drained out of blood every single day

Getting high on morphine for the pain

In and out of conciousness

With strangers around you

I keep thinking of two things only

To keep living and fight to live the way i am

Or to just succumb to it and end up all the pain for good

I choose to live

So many things i still want to do

So many things i still want to experience

Even the childish things they said that i'm into

As long it makes my heart sing of happiness

And i can say that i lived

I take chances, so i wont have regrets

I make impromptu plans without any backup plans

I just go wherever the path takes me to

I did fall down and get weakened by the hardship

But the universe has its own way of reminding me

Of the beauty that still exist out there, the hope

To remind me that, i lived

Some may say i'm reckless

But i did it because i dont want to missed out on something amazing

I dont want to end up thinking the what if of that decision

I might find something beautiful along the way

Or i might stuck on something bad

But at least i can tell myself, i tried

And i lived

Hope, is my strongest weapon in me

Hope for something beautiful

Hope for love

Hope for happiness

Hope for an ever after

-naraj2020-