That lasted for 7 years
Keeping it hidden inside
Until my uni year
Rejecting everyone that tried to be close
Until i heard that he finally settled down with a girl
The perfect gentleman i've known back then
The second was that chemistry guy
During my pre-med time
The first guy who make my heart whispered "he's the one"
But he threw me aside
When his first crush that rejected him before, came back
Coz she want him not to move on from her
Laughing with her friends when she sees me crumble
On the day he chosed her over me
A year after, she dump him when i was not around anymore
And he came back again and again regretting everything
And apologizing to me
Saying he felt that i was the one for him
But he was scared to proceed because of our difference in religion
The third was that science student
Who helped me get my revenge on my unfaithful ex
Who become my knight on that eventful night
Who backed away when i continued my degree and he got a job after diploma
Thinking that he dont deserves me due to his inferiority complex
The one that gave me hope and crushed it down within a week time
The last...
He might be the last
Was a young man...
The first i ever confessed to
Too young that i never thought it could be possible for me and for him
A soul as restless as mine
A mind that is so much more creative than mine
A gentleman that is wiser beyond his age
A manner that i rarely see anymore these days
A heart that is still tender and pure
Someone that gives the meaning of lilacs
A blossoming first love
Someone that makes my heart beats again
Waking up the hopeless romantic side of me again
Making me believe that true love might exist
And erasing all the hurt and betrayal i've experienced before
Before my vision of love was corrupted
But it was not meant to be
As he haven't move on from his hurt
And he was not ready
and maybe think its impossible due to our age gap
I would think myself crazy too if i was in his shoes back then
The last that makes me learn more
About this feelings that came uninvited
Allowing myself to learn that i am not as strong as i think i am
To know that my heart was still as fragile as ever
Still feeding on hopeless hope for it to live
To learn that maybe being jaded was the best
To learn that maybe i was meant to be alone
Instead of letting my own heart feels like its dying and suffocating
And letting my brain keep overthinking of all the different outcome and consequences
Of what might be
So let him be the last
Before i throw away this key for good
So my heart won't be broken anymore
I can finally be free without any hopeless hope to hold on to
-naraj2020-
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