I Don't Wanna Live Forever

Been sittin' eyes wide open behind these four walls, hopin' you'll call

It's just a cruel existence like it's no point hopin' at all

Baby, baby, I feel crazy

Up all night, all night and every day

Give me somethin', oh, but you say nothin'

What is happenin' to me?

I don't wanna live forever

'Cause I know I'll be livin' in vain

And I don't wanna fit wherever

I just wanna keep callin' your name

Until you come back home

I'm sittin' eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind

Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life

Baby, baby, I feel crazy

Up all night, all night and every day

I gave you something, but you gave me nothing

What is happening to me?

I've been looking sad in all the nicest places

I see you around in all these empty faces

Up all night, all night and every day

I've been looking sad in all the nicest places

Give me somethin', oh, but you say nothin'

Now I'm in a cab, I tell him where your place is

What is happenin' to me?

1000 times

Again again

I let it go, let it go

Cover my mouth

Don't let a single word slip out

Wouldn't wanna tell you, no

Tell you, no

Nothing could be worse

Than the risk of

Losing what I don't have now

I'm weaker by the minute, though

Is it so bad if I wanna cry out

That I would die to make you mine

Bleed me dry almost every time

But I don't mind, no I don't mind it

I would come back 1000 times

Make me wait forever

Push me away and tell me never

I don't mind, no I don't mind it

I would come back 1000 times

Tell me how you gonna turn it around? (Not Enough)

I'm sorry if this hurts you,

But I tried to keep what we had once

I was wrong, it wasn't keeping me awake.

You didn't listen, you didn't listen.

You didn't hear me, you didn't hear me 

When I said I want more I got no more. 

You weren't stealing me away, oh. 

All the memory's that we're losing, 

All the time that I spent with you everyday 

I think is running down the drain. 

I'm feeling that we're fading. 

Don't make this as hard as you think it would be, 

It's a lot easier than it seems 

And I can feel we're falling down slowly, slowly. 

I can see us starting to drown, can't stop it now. 

I can see we're burning out so show me, show me. 

How you gonna turn it around? Because... 

It's not enough, it's not enough 

To give me what it is I want. 

It's not enough, it's not enough 

To get me everything I need.

To that old dark place

Three years ago, something happen. My heart was broken to the point of where i was thinking about suicide to end it.  It was so painful and by the end of the day, my heart chose to be cold and jaded and shutting off any feelings that are near to affection or love.

Almost one year and a half i was living and forcing myself to keep on going because of how jaded i feel. I dont even have any care to the world or anyone, even myself. I starts to plan things to give me reason to keep on going, to keep living. But i still cant open my heart to anyone. My mom tried to have someone to open my heart again, my foster mom keep asking me to open my heart to someone she thinks would be good for me, someone who wants to marry me. But i just cant. I lost all hope and feelings of doing any of those. That is how jaded i am, that at one point, i kinda scared myself.

I prayed to God to open my heart again. To soften my heart. To make me feel love again. But i still feel nothing. I keep on living, planning to fulfill my childhood dreams, thinking maybe that could make me happy again, trying to get some excitement in my life again. Its easy to pretend to feels those feelings in front of people.  But inside, i just need reasons to busy myself. So i started working 3 jobs at a time. 24/7. I was rarely home. Even my family rarely see me around. Mom even have to make appointment to get my time.

One year and a month ago, when i was in Japan, living my childhood dreams. Someone from the past came knocking at my heart. Someone who i used to feel good with. Someone that i know without fail, used to make me laugh. He was the one who was able to tore down the walls to my heart and make me feel again. I feel alive and loved. And i fall harder in the next few months with all the attentions that he showered me with. I feel like i was his life and soul. I feel like he was there every single minute of my life because he never let me be alone even on my own. He will texts me and called me whenever he could. I was head over heels by the time he make me meet his parents and his family.

I keep praying that it would last. That this would be the one. Because i never felt so happy and so in love with anyone else. Up until when i found out something that breaks my heart and my trust towards him. It happen on the 100 days we were together. I was so devastated that i decided to let go there and then. But he fought for it. He fought for us. I never have anyone fought for me before, usually people just let me go. So i stayed, and tried my best to put my trust in him again. But by then, my insecurities issue have come up to surface again after my trust have been broken.

A year of going back and forth of me trying to trust him and figthing with him with his fondness of messenging or replying to other girls. Random girls, unknown girls. He keep telling himself and me that it was nothing, it was for fun and it meant nothing because it was not real, because he dont even know them. He didnt understand how betrayed i feel everytime i found out about that, even when i keep telling him that whenever he did that, he is breaking my heart.

After a year, my heart trying to get back to defend itself again. It keep getting hurt by being ignored, being broken again and again. He never bothered about us anymore. Calls are rare, going out or meeting each other only when i bought movie tickets that he want to watch, and i keep buying because thats the only way for me to see him at all. Overtime, i feel tired trying to keep this up. Trying to save us on my own. He didnt make any effort at all. So i decided to let go. Something that i never did and never thought that i would.

It was not easy. Despite all that happen, despite what he did, i still love him. So much that it hurts. I was still hoping for the old him to come back and save us. But its killing me when he decided to just let go and not give a damn. He didnt even fought for us anymore.

And now, i crave to be back to that cold place again. Its killing me to stay and its killing me more to let go. Because i love him and it hurts when he shows like he didnt. I want to be jaded again, before i go back to that suicidal girl again. This hurts too much now. I just want it to stop.

Unlove

How do people do it? Really..

How do you go on and live your life and leaving the person you love and devoted to just like that?

How to stop loving someone?

I only know one way before...because i had to...and it by killing my heart and turn it into ice.. Emotionless..dead heart...

Never thought i would be the one leaving and its killing me everyday...and i tried to kill my heart everyday since that day...

This hurts too much...i dont think i can make it this time around

-Naraj2017-

Loose

Dearly Beloved,

I dont know if we are going to make it through this time around. But I really do love you with all my heart. And if i'm letting us go, please know that the decision is really killing me.

I know you are a good guy. I know you have the potentials to be a great man someday. If you learn to ditch your bad habits, which I always nagged you about. But I guess, you never really listen to me anymore.

Just so you know, Action speaks louder than Words. Plus, when you keep flaunting that love words around, it doesnt have any special meaning anymore. I dont even know the different between your love for me and your love that you told to those other girls. I dont even know which is real anymore. 

You need to learn some few things if you want any of your future relationship to last. 
Firstly, learn to be 'amanah' with all the things that you said and plan out, in other words, learn to meant every words you said and dont get people hope up for nothing (that is just plain cruel and not funny). Dont simply said and promised people something then you just decide to forget about it. Try your best to fulfilled every words you said, if you couldnt, then let the person knows in advance not on the very same day you promised them or worse, not letting them know at all and just keep hoping. That hurts you know.

Secondly, learn and understand what loyal, faithful, devoted and committed really means. When you claim you are being loyal and faithful, it means you won't go around messaging any other random or unknown girls behind her back. Even if it was just for fun in your point of view, but that is already considered as not being faithful. When someone is committed and faithful to you, they dont even bother to look for other people just to be funny or just to joke around. A faithful person will only focus on the person they fall in love with and focus on them alone and ignoring all other people (unless, its your friends who needs your help in a good way..not just out of being bored, you have your girlfriend for that). 

Thirdly, learn to not make fun of others misfortune. Especially if what they were was given by God. Like limping legs, or imperfect mouth. For you its just for fun and laughing behind their back is okay. But remember, you are laughing at God's creation and gifts. And everytime you want to make fun of people, even to just joke around, replay your words or what you would say inside your head, and imagine those words are being said towards you. Usually, after you done those things, I would asked you that question, imagine that someone else said that exact same words to you. Your answer is always, that you would get angry and punch that person face or something. Even if that is just for fun, you yourself would get angry or sad. Do you think that person that you talked about dont have the same feelings too?

Lastly, learn to control your lust or atleast remove yourself from that group of friends thats always sharing you those indecent pictures and videos. Its not helping you in controlling your own lust if you keep on seeing those stuff and even worse when your circle of friends are spreading it around and not helping you in stopping it. It doesnt do you any good. And those kind of things doesnt make you look cool at all. And much worse, when your friends knows that you have a girlfriend but you enjoy those kind of things and engaged in talking about those thing, your friends wont even say it to your face, but behind you, they would say how pity your girlfriend is for not knowing what you are doing behind her back. And that my love, is the same thing as disrespecting your relationship and your girlfriend as well. 

You always said that I think too much and too deep or too far. Yes, I do. Because I am thinking about my future. I know what I want in a relationship and I know what I need. I am thinking further in marriage sense, because I've heard all the sad stories of a 5 years marriage, a 10 years marriage, a 20 years marriage that are becoming dull because of what the husband did and how the husband began to take things for granted. I dont want that kind of life or marriage. That scares me, and thats why i'm thinking in advance of everything. Heart change, people change.

If only in a year, you have start to take things for granted and began to be unfaithful towards me, its a nightmare for me thinking that this would keep happening my whole life being married with you. Being brokenhearted day by day. This is not something I can do anymore. It exhaust me. And I am not strong enough to be who I am anymore. I have turn to be a toxic person to our relationship, with all my insecurities and trust issues.

Maybe I was not meant to be your forever. Maybe we are just lesson for each other.
But I do love you and devoted to you with all my heart that I dont even know if there's anyone else is out there for me. But this is the limit that I could take.




An exhausted and broken me,
naraj2017

Not Enough

Have you really ever been in love? Like being devoted to that one person only, while your eyes and your heart went blind to the rest of the world?

I did. Always did.

But when the person that you devote your life and your time with, doesn't feel that they need to go that extra mile for you. Like they still look at other girls and messaging them ( like saying how much u love them or you missed them, or wish u could see them) or tweeting them (like saying to other girl who doesnt even know you to 'be mine') for the sake of just having fun (thats the reason that they would give). And I was not cool enough to understand that it was nothing and just being silly for being hurt by that 'nothing' that they describe. 

Well, after committing my time and being devoted to only them, that behavior that they do, it makes me feel like i was never enough for them. And it kept me thinking as well, are they ready for a commitment with this kind of behavior?

I dont think so too.