...what I've become...

it's 29/12/2010...who knew, a year just passed by...
this year started with lots of hope and excitement and good thing happening to me..I feel blessed..
with me continuing my degree and having all the approval from my family members...with Mr darcy by my side cheering me on when I'm down..with me trying to make the best of everything i can...
oh well, I'm not capable of handling where it might lead me..I'm only capable of marking the starting point...
getting new acquaintance, but slowly...I isolate myself from others for the 1st half year...i guess, things work out pretty good...
the next half year, i try to be more socialized with people around me...try to be nice with everyone and try to avoid any hatred-caused feeling or situation..but in the end, I manage to get myself into most of it..Bravo me!..hahhaa..oh well, I know I'm such a emphatic and altruistic person, and most of the time I'm being unfair to myself...when I caused some "problem" that makes some of my acquaintance feels mad at me, I didnt realize what I did...the thing is, when I did something, it was out of sincerity and sometimes I tease people just for fun...but who knows, in the end it backfired and caused this scene that I wish I never encounter...and the only solution that I could do for that moment is just to ignore everything and everyone...I know its bad...I know I should atleast apologize...my i guess, my pride was thinking that I didn't do anything wrong that I intend to, so it's not something I should be apologize for... Pride huh?!
i guess I've made a bad impression on myself..and i hate the girl I've became...I'm being too selfish this year...
maybe some of my friends said that I was not being selfish enough, but just bearing this feeling of guilt makes me feel rueful...

so, I want to apologize to all my friends for everything that I've done...some which I know I didnt realize..especially to my roommate, Miss S**** A**...To my classmates (eventho I didnt know whether you guys will be reading this or not), Mr L**** A****, Mr H**** F***, Mr H****, Mr Dindang (shoot! I forgot his real name..gomene~), Mr N*****, Mr H******, Mr S****, Miss A***** A***** and others that I might not mention here...

will be continued..

xoxo

...your eyes...

boy, you're so sweet

you shine so bright but you didn't even know it

your voice so beautiful it captivates me

and I'm enchanted to meet you

do you remember when you drive to my house

in the middle of the night

and your eyes looks like you're about to cry

and you told me the story that made my heart ache for you

you look at me with those sad teary eyes

they shows how sorrowful you are inside

you laugh and sing with me

but those eyes still haunting me

you feel like you're alone

i tried to be by your side to keep your smile

to free you from your despair

but you never realize that

you may think i did it out of sympathy

and your eyes just look right through me

but deep inside I wonder

do you even realize what I feel for you

i wish you'll realize

that I could be the one

that will free you from your misery

cause I was enchanted to meet you

you're like the star to me

shining brightly than anyone

and I wish that you knew

that I will be here for you always

please don't be in love with someone else

please don't leave me for another again

naraj10©

♥ XOXO ♥

...never meant...

no matter what you've put me through

I never hated you

I never blamed you

and I know I'm a fool

all I thought of you was

a beautiful memory when I was young

and soulmate that probably I've found

but I was wrong

If only you would just disappear

and never showed up

if only you showed up to say sorry

and just disappear

maybe I wouldn't hate you

like I do now

maybe I wouldn't hurt you

and make you feel abandon

I never thought of getting revenge

I never thought of hurting you

I never thought of doing what you thought I'd do to you

but you told me that that's what you thought I was doing to you

it's no use for me to straight it out for you

no use for me to say I didnt mean it

coz that's what you think of me

and I'll let you be

and maybe this will be

the last goodbye of you and me

coz I hate the way you think of me

and I hate being the girl that you want me to be..

naraj10©

♥ XOXO ♥

...that's all I'll ever be...

when you met someone

and you fall in love

you wish that it will be epic

and life changing

and when I met you

it's a beautiful thing for me

and I feel blessed

to have you for a while

but you got scared

and you leave me behind

and I'm trying hard to catch up with you

to prove to you that we can make it through

but now I realized

maybe I'm just the girl that'll make you realized

what love is all about

before you find the perfect girl for yourself

maybe I'm just the person

who will make you open your heart

when the right person comes

and you'll love her with all your heart

and now I realized

maybe it's time for me to move on

and keep loving with all my heart

even though it might kill me

coz all I'll ever be for you

was the girl who opened your heart

so you can accept anyone

but me

naraj10©

♥ xoxo ♥

still got sands in my shoe...

our town is small

and the road to our house is short

I always wonder why

why do I never see you anymore

it's not easy for me

driving through the road that we've been through

and I closed my eyes every time I go pass that shortcut road

that you bring me to

I just need a melody

to make this song that I wrote

hoping that one day

you might heard it and know how I felt

I feel like I didnt love you enough

to let you go just like that

and I wish I could turn back time

to the day we saw the fireflies

maybe its easy for you

just to forget what we've been through

and it's you who didn't believe

what we could have been

naraj10©

♥ XOXO ♥

...The Fear...

FEAR

what is fear for you?

definition in google:

an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight)

Wikipedia: Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.

some fear are obvious and you can see it and even feel it...

some fear, you just didnt realize it until you finally accept the truth about it...

some fear, would just make you petrified until you feel dumbfounded and unable to do anything at all to run or fight...

the fear I hadnt even realize I'm having till now...maybe thats the reason why I didnt care much about it...

I guess its because of the fear that I once experienced...

sooner or later I guess I need to face it...but not for now.. ;D

XOXO

new addiction...trying to runaway...

I need new addiction...which is easy during this holiday~hehheee...

found new drama and artist..

and I really want to watch this new taiwan drama~~~

Death Girl aka Gloomy Salad Days

been trying to find the download link with english subs..huhuhu..

and also, there is this new taiwan artist that is very handsome and his voice is very amazing~

introducing

Anthony Neely!!

isn't he's cute???

he's mix chinese and america i've heard...thus, the good looks...

the smile...ahhhh~*melts*

Try to search for his songs in youtube...

The one that I love is "Sorry that I loved you"

a very sad one...at first, i thought he was some new american artist..turns out he's a taiwanese.. ;p

well, thats all for now...

XOXO ♥

...I'll disperse as my gift to you...

Morning all~ 

phew...been a while...

well, it's holiday, and I'm too busy enjoying my vacation and feel so lazy to open this blog and update it..ngeee..bianne~

its 28/11

a day when 'someone' is born...

I've been dreaming of being with you

on the special day for you

but I guess, It'll only be a dream

for you shunned me from your life

You blocked me

it hurts

then I guess you deleted me

and I'm through

I never understand the choice that you made

and sorry was never enough

but I have to accept

coz I dont wanna hurt anymore

The only gift that I could give you

is me

and I promise you

today will be the last that you heard from me

maybe I don't understand

what benefit that you said for the choice you made

but stop saying sorry and said its for my own good

coz sorry is never enough after what you made me go through

I'm leaving you behind

I'll never come again

This is all that you want

So this is the last goodbye and the greatest gift for you

naraj10'

XOXO ♥

...sing me a song of the broken hearted...

there's something I want to pour out..but not just yet...
so, instead..I'm gonna dedicate some of my favourite songs now to the men thats been transitting in my heart port...hahhaaha...

These is for Mr Darcy

 

The Pretty Reckless-You

You don’t want me, no
You don’t need me
Like I want you, oh
Like I need you

And I want you in my life
And I need you in my life

You can’t see me, no
Like I see you
I can’t have you, no
Like you have me

And I want you in my life
And I need you in my life

You can’t feel me, no
Like I feel you
I can’t steal you, no
Like you stole me

And I want you in my life
And I need you in my life

 

xxxxxx

Diana Vicker-Notice

I'm still dancing
Now we're burning
The heat was rising
And now we're breathing more and more

Can you see me now?
Can you hear me shout?
When I'm dancing through the fear
Will you catch my fall?
Do you know me at all?
It's like you never notice me
It's like you never notice me

I'm still trying
I'm not tired just yet
My eyes are drying
I never dreamed that you'd forget

Can you see me now?
Can you hear me shout?
When I'm dancing through the fear
Will you catch my fall?
Do you know me at all?
It's like you never notice me
It's like you never notice me

In my room
There is doubt
The only words cant come out?
We were friends, we had hit
And I choke when you speak

because you never notice me
because you notice me

Can you see me now?
Can you hear me shout?
When I'm dancing through the fear
Will you catch my fall?
Do you know me at all?
It's like you never notice me
It's like you never notice me

Notice me

+++++++++++++++++++++

These is for My Soul Bro

The Pretty Reckless-Since You're Gone

Since you hide, since you steal
Since you hate everything I feel
Since you cheat, since you lie
Since you don't wanna try things I wanna try

Since you been gone
My life has moved along quite nicely actually

Got a lot more friends and I don't have to pretend
Since you're gone, since you're gone

Since you're not what I want
You can take everything I've got
Take the seat, take the drive
If I say I love you, I am a liar

Since you been gone
My life has moved along quite nicely actually

Well, meet my lover Gin and I don't have to pretend
Since you're gone, since you're gone

I've been looking for a new direction, anyway
I've been thinkin' bout my own protection, instead

Now that you're gone my life has moved along
Now that you're gone my life has moved along
Now that you're gone my life has moved along
Now that you're gone

Since you hide, since you steal
Since you hate everything I feel
Since you cheat, since you lie
Since you don't wanna try things I wanna try

Since you been gone
My life has moved along quite nicely actually

Quite nicely actually, quite nicely actually
Quite nicely actually, quite nicely actually
Quite nicely actually, quite nicely, thanks for asking

xxxxxxx

Diana Vicker-Once

Here we are, a careful distance
Heres my heart, whats left of it
In this town, I used to listen
Once, Once, Yeah

I had hope, blind faith
Had as much as you can take

Im only gonna let you kill me once
Im only gonna let you kill me then some
Im only gonna let you kill me

Once, Once, Once, yeah

Once, Once, Once, yeah

Once, Once, Once, yeah

Once, Once

Ashes burn the morning after
Only know Im here to stay
I was so, I let you see me
That was dumb, but thats OK
Tripping down to your place
What is love anyway

Im only gonna let you kill me once

Im only gonna let you kill me then some

Im only gonna let you kill me
Once, Once, Once, yeah
Once, Once, Once, yeah
Once, Once, Once, yeah
Im only gonna let you kill me

Who or whatever you do
Dont let anyone love you
Touch them where it hurts
And then you'll leave

Im only gonna let you kill me once

Im only gonna let you kill me then some

Im only gonna let you kill me
Once, Once, Once, yeah
Once, Once, Once, yeah
Once, Once, Once, yeah

Im only gonna let you kill me
Once, Once, Once, yeah

===========================

I know I'm stupid and pathetic...

but I guess, once I gave my heart to someone, trust them too much..

and hope too much from them...

I guess no one is brave enough to be with me and bear all of my silliness and clumsiness...

I don't need anyone to say I'm pretty

I don't need anyone to say I'm cute

I don't need anyone to say I'm hot or sexy

I just need someone that says I'm beautiful in every way possible not just in words but thru his actions...

and I don't need him to keep reminding me of my looks but instead of how he feels for me...

I just want someone who would respect me and take me as I am..

Someone who makes me smile...

Someone who can accept my family as it was his...

Someone who is willing to ride the bus with me...when we have no other transport...

Someone who makes me feel like I am loved...

Someone who makes me feel like he really cares for me...

Someone who can hangout with my friends and me with his friends...

Someone who is willing to listen to me rambling and ranting about everything without judging me...

Someone who can lead me to the right path and not pushing me to it...

Looks are not what's important...it's what on the inside...

But I guess, even that's is impossible for me...

So I'm gonna wait for my own Jeon Jin Ho...minus the looks...if he comes with the looks, it'll be a bonus~ LOL

XOXO ♥

....this is it...

I'm tired...

it feels like my heart is wearing a lot of clothes that are soaking wet...

and now it feels heavy and I can't take it anymore...

I'm a pushover...I know that...

and all I want is someone who can accept me for who I am and make me strong with his love...

I know it's impossible for me to find someone as perfect and handsome and tentative as Jeon Jin Ho (Personal Taste ;D)...but at least all I want is someone who really cared for me the way he cared for Kae-In...huhuhuuu..

The silence you gave...the action you did...i guess i am deleted in his life...

so I decided to move on!!! I'm saying goodbye to you..and hope you're happy with your decision!

and as for my soul brother, I'm thankful for you and glad that you're around..but I'm tired of being this way with you...being like a rebound every time you broke up with someone...I'm done...It's exhausting!

and I've had enough...maybe I couldn't be sarcastic to you guys and end it the way I should, but I guess I have to do it this time...coz my heart feel cold wearing this soaking wet clothes day by day...

From now on, I guess I'm going to wear some kind of armor and lock my heart to protect it...hahahhaa

gonna throw away the key...and if someone stumble upon it..be my guest...

I have a weak heart...and I really need to learn to protect it...I had to...

coz nothing else works...I keep giving a piece of me away, but in the end i lose it...

I'm not regretting any of it coz I learned...but I know how weak I am to let this stuff keep repeating in my life and hurt me over and over again...

I guess, its much more bearable just to admire from afar...

and I have tons of people around me that are admireable...hahahhaa

and once my very own version of Jeon Jin Ho found me..I'm gonna hug him like this! tehehehhee... ;p

but for now...i'm done with everything...

I deserved my own Sang-Go-Jae... ;D

XOXO ♥

...Talking To The Moon...

I believe that silence is the best weapon to torture others feelings...

and you've done that to me a million times..

your silence is excruciating and torturing my heart and soul..

but when you did what you've done today...

your actions kills every little pieces of the fireflies that's left...

I feel so melancholy tonight...so I just wanna listen to Bruno Mars "Talking To The Moon"

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back
I want you back
My neighbors think
I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I have
You're all I have

[Chorus]
At night when the stars
Light on my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the Moon
Try to get to You
In hopes your on
The other side
Talking to me too
Oh Am I a fool
Who sits alone
Talking to the moon

I'm feeling like
I'm famous
The talk of the town
They say
I've gone mad
Yeah
I've gone mad
But they don't know
What I know
Cause when the
Sund goes down
Someone's talking back
Yeah
They're talking back

[Chorus]
At night when the stars
Light on my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the Moon
Try to get to You
In hopes your on
The other side
Talking to me too
Oh Am I a fool
Who sits alone
Talking to the moon

Ahh...Ahh...Ahh..
Do you ever hear me calling
Ho Hou Ho ho Hou

'Cause every night
I'm Talking to the Moon

Still try to get to You
In hopes your on
The other side
Talking to me too
Oh Am I a fool
Who sits alone
Talking to the moon

Ohoooo...

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away

  

and i was left...life goes on...

and I prefer my friend to sing this song to me...coz his voice is awesome...

and this song reminds me of the crazy night we went out together... :D

XOXO ♥

...You're my new favourite thing....

You came out of nowhere

A welcome distraction

A sight for my sore eyes

A most special attraction

Oh you saved me

Oh don't you know

You're my new favorite thing

-Balingomingo 'New Favourite Thing'-

I guess I'm closer to closure now...hahaha...

Mr Chipsmore a.k.a A***d a.k.a MYH

I guess I wont feel much alone now..coz I've got my new favourite thing around..hahhaa

I'm gonna miss you but I guess, it's time for me to stop letting myself down and gloom...

Well,my sunshine is here now...

and I'm gonna make the most out of it...

It's time for me to be happy like I supposed to..

and I know, many people wonder who the heck is Mr Darcy or Mr Chipsmore...

hehehee...

not gonna reveal his identity...

but he is someone who brought fairytale in my life..even just for a day...

watching fireflies on that one night...

and he shows me his affection for the first time i guess...

but then he decide he's not good enough for me...

well, I can't really accept his reason for leaving me..

but I guess, everyone have their own reason..eventhough it's silly and stupid~ ;p

I think maybe he thinks too much on our future...while me, I'm just taking everything as they come..hehehe

Oh well, I'll let you go...coz you know where to find me...

To my soulmate...(well, I believe you are the brother of my soul..hehehe)

we always be the way we are...crazy bunch of kids with "bloodlust"...LOL

and I'm glad I found you though we are meant to be just us..like this..

but every single thing you do, it touched my heart...sincerely...

and I thank you for it...

you make my gloomy and depressed days became wonderful and moments full of happiness..

you always made my day...with that cute face of yours.. :D

I missed you a lot!

and the time we lost? Doesn't seem like we lost anything at all...hehehe..

and with you around, nothing else matter ☺

☼ you're my sunshine~

and that song above dedicated for you~hehehe..

XOXO ♥

♪♫♬...they sing out what my heart wants to say...♬♫♪

Listening these songs over and over again~~~The lyrics are so meaningful and beautiful..and the music is nice and soothing....hehehe

The Pretty Reckless - You

one of the ballad number in their album~

You don’t want me, no
You don’t need me
Like I want you, oh
Like I need you

And I want you in my life
And I need you in my life

You can’t see me, no
Like I see you
I can’t have you, no
Like you have me

And I want you in my life
And I need you in my life

You can’t feel me, no
Like I feel you
I can’t steal you, no
Like you stole me

And I want you in my life
And I need you in my life

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Katy Perry - Just like A Movie

one of my favorite song in her new album

He put it on me, I put it on,
Like there was nothing wrong.
It didn't fit,
It wasn't right.
Wasn't just the size.
They say you know,
When you know.
I don't know.

I didn't feel
The fairytale feeling, no.
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could.

If it's not like the movies,
Thats how it should be, yeah.
When he's the one,
I'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning
And that's just the beginning, yeah.

Snow white said when I was young,
"One day my prince will come."
So I wait for that date.
They say its hard to meet your match,
Find my better half.
So we make perfect shapes.
If stars don't align,
If it doesn't stop time,
If you can't see the sign,
Wait for it.
One hundred percent,
With every penny spent.
He'll be the one that,
Finishes your sentences.

If it's not like the movies,
Thats how it should be.
When he's the one,
He'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning,
And thats just the beginning.

'Cause I know you're out there,
And your, your love came for me.
It's a crazy idea that you were made,
Perfectly for me you'll see.

Just like the movies.
That's how it will be.
Cinematic and dramatic with the perfect ending.
It's not like the movies,
But that's how it should be.
When he's the one,
You'll come undone,
And your world will stop spinning,
And it's just the beginning.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ashley Tisdale - What If

love her songs...eventhough it's an old album..but I love this song...

Don't speak, I can't believe this is here happening
Our situation isn't right
Get real, who you playing with? I never thought he'd be like this
You were supposed to be there by my side

When you say that you want me I just don't believe it
You're always ready to give up and never turn around

What if I need you baby? Would you even try to save me?
Or would you find some lame excuse to never be true?
What if I said I loved you? Would you be the one to run to?
Or would you watch me walk away without a fight?

I'm so sick of worrying that you're gonna quit over anything
I could trip and you'd let go like that
I'm everything that we ever were seems so fake but not the hurt
'Cause you don't know the good things from the bad

When I say that I want you, you know that I mean it
And in my hour of weakness there's still time to try

What if I need you baby? Would you even try to save me?
Or would you find some lame excuse to never be true?
What if I said I loved you? Would you be the one to run to?
Or would you watch me walk away without a fight?

Every time I speak you try and stop me
'Cause every little thing I say is wrong
You say you're noticing but you never see
This is who I really am that you can't believe

Makes me wanna know right now
If it's me you'll live without or would you change your mind?
What if I need you?

But what if I need you baby? Would you even try to save me?
Or would you find some lame excuse to never be true?
What if I said I loved you? Would you be the one to run to?
Or would you watch me walk away without a

Oh baby what if I need you?
What if I need you? What if I need you?
What if I need you? What if I need you?
What if I need you? What if I need you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charice - All that I need To Survive
love all her songs and her voice...

I look out my window
And wonder where you are (where you are)
And if you are safe out there
Somewhere in the dark (in the dark)
Time has no meaning
To this broken heart that's mine

I see your face
Where ever I go
I hear your voice
I want you to know

Refrain:
I feel your arms when I'm lonely
I make believe that you are still here with me
It's all I need
I feel your heart as if it was beating with mine
When you're in my world, I am alive
You're all that I need to survive

I've got this friend who says, it's time I let you go (let you go)
The way that you loved me, no one else could ever know
You were the best that ever happened to my heart and to my soul (to my soul)

I see your face
where ever I go
I hear your voice
I want you to know

Refrain:
I feel your arms when I'm lonely
I make believe that you are still here with me
It's all I need
I feel your heart as if it was beating with mine

Bridge:
And if, I mean when
When I see you again
It will be just the same as it was
And if, I mean when
We're together again
Our souls reunited as one

Refrain:
I feel your arms when I'm lonely
I make believe that you are still here with me
It's all I need
I feel your heart as if it was beating with mine

(I feel your arms when I'm lonely, lonely, lonely)

You're in my world
I am alive
You're all that I need to survive
You're all that I need to survive
You're all that I need to survive

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Diana Vicker - Notice

her voice is epic~ fall in love with her voice~ :D

I'm still dancing
Now we're burning
The heat was rising
And now we're breathing more and more

Can you see me now?
Can you hear me shout?
When I'm dancing through the fear
Will you catch my fall?
Do you know me at all?
It's like you never notice me
It's like you never notice me

I'm still trying
I'm not tired just yet
My eyes are drying
I never dreamed that you'd forget

Can you see me now?
Can you hear me shout?
When I'm dancing through the fear
Will you catch my fall?
Do you know me at all?
It's like you never notice me
It's like you never notice me

In my room
There is doubt
The only words cant come out?
We were friends, we had hit
And I choke when you speak

because you never notice me
because you notice me

Can you see me now?
Can you hear me shout?
When I'm dancing through the fear
Will you catch my fall?
Do you know me at all?
It's like you never notice me
It's like you never notice me

Notice me

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

VersaEmerge - Stranger

their album are great...one of my fav~

It's so easy when you're fake believing
Untruly speaking, wrecking feelings
It's so easy sparking opposite ends
Fighting the good within, hiding my reasons

Stranger I know so well
You got me tripping over myself
Can't trust in you
'Cause as I reach for your hand
I still sink into quicksand
Isn't my good side worth rescuing?

It's not easy admitting your demons
Tangled up in seasons
Finding lame reasons
I can't fall asleep but I sure can dream

Stranger I know so well
You got me tripping over myself
Can't trust in you
'Cause as I reach for your hand
I still sink into quicksand
Isn't my good side worth rescuing?

I always flip myself into a shape I can't make
Thinking so hard about who we really are
You spark the good within
But I was never good at listening
Listen until you're gone

Stranger I know so well
You got me tripping over myself
Can't trust in you
'Cause as I reach for your hand
I still sink into quicksand
Isn't my good side worth rescuing?

Well, I hope you guys enjoy the lyrics as I do...and the songs too~ :D

XOXO ♥

May the Light will bring you to The Shadows

First of all..

Happy Light Festival Everyone...

or may I say Happy Diwali~ ☺

Oh well, Deepavali doesn't really feel like it...coz I didnt go out of my house..haha

plus, my Indian friends are all so far away...

back home, lots of Indians stays at the same street with my grams..so, during the night, my grandpa would surely bring us along to visit~hahhaa...

Hmmm...let's c..today, my housemate again...asking for me..looking for me..been missing from the livingroom as I keep staying in my room~ my caccoon~hahhaa... sa tgh rajin mo studi bha ni gink~ ;p

So, supposedly today I should study..but instead I keep chatting and watching my old time favorite drama...Charmed!!!!!!

and now I'm blogging...again...after a long time...hahahaa..well done me~

LOL~

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The stories I've been watching growing up...wishing that we could be that way...

Me and my sister were not always in a good term..and watching Charmed, I always hope that we can get along like the Charmed sister..but too bad there are only the two of us...

and after all the years past by..suddenly we had a baby sister...and I forgotten all about Charmed..

but now, suddenly I think about it, we finally became the Charmed ones..hahhaa...

with 3 sisters in a household...and the youngest one is the rebellious one..and I'm the middle one always became the middle person to keep the peace..but sometimes when I get mad with the two of them, they gang up on me~hehhee..but still, I love them... :D

Hear now the words of the witches
The secrets we hid in the night
The oldest of gods are invoked here
The great work of magic is sought
In this night and in this hour
I call upon the ancient power
Bring your powers to we sisters three
We want the power
Give us the power

-Book Of Shadows-

So I guess, I'm gonna dload the whole season 1 again this holiday and let my lil sis watch it~ :D

XOXO ♥

...lost or falling...

I'm suffering because of my own delusional way of thinking...am I?
or
I'm actually getting crazy and misinterpret everything?

ooppssiieee...another dark emotional post?
well, i guess that's it...
it is actually called the page of shadows, which is where I pour out all the negative vibes in me that I rarely show..
LOL...still, I like to think positively but a lil bit of drama inside here...
this is where i tell my stories in a different way but still the same...
and every story does sound the same actually and hopefully one day,it will be full of lights and flowery thingy...
the thing is, i found that, depression and hurtful feelings and sadness, brings out the part of me that are quite poetic..hhahaha..sound silly? I know, I think so too.. :P

well, I did try to poems out the beautiful feelings I'm feeling...but then, as reality does and always does to me, it always end up being a sad story...
I wish I could turn it the other way round..
wish I was positive enough to be really open with these stuff on sadness and heartbreak... ;p

Been reading a motivational book called, "He's just not that into you"...thanks to my beautiful housemate,who lend it to me..
While I was reading the book, I feel really strong and capable of anything...and it really motivates me..
but once I finish the book, I try to be what the book been telling me to do...but somehow, I always end up feeling more miserable than before...
I try to make believe that everything's okay, but that only makes it worse...
Sometimes I try to put up with everything by laughing too loud, making silly comments, doing silly stuff that makes me look and feel stupid, so that I look ok and silly rather than miserable and sad...

It was easier before when I didn't know...
when I'm still in the dark...
but after that "once upon a time-fairy tale" kind of experience that he gave me,
that he showed me...
I feel like I still want to fight for it...
I won't let it go easily...
eventhough I'll be miserable at best...
it's hard, I know...
try to turn my world bakc to its normal axis without him circling in my orbit..
but the gravity still pulls the memory of him into me...
sometimes I even wondered, will he regret if he can't see me anymore?
will he regret letting me go without even trying?
will that even happen in his mind?

I don't know why...
but I know my health is deteriorating again..
mu muscle pain occured more frequently especially my heart muscle
and my hair!!! my lovely hair, everyday I lost more than I used to...it's too much!
heck, I didnt even get any chemo or taking my pills again, but why does it keeps falling out??
I need my pills again I guess...
but I'm too scared to go on a check-up..
I dont want what happen few years back repeat itself again...
I hate hospitals and I dont want to get into one again..not because of this stupid illness!
I love my blood and I prefer it to be in my blood vessels not some needles..
being in a hospital with ur blood taken everyday to be tested for lung disease are not a good feeling and very exhausting!
Polymyositis is quite annoying when it strikes you suddenly...
oh well, I guess, I just need my pills and some exercise...
I wish to be back home...coz here, nothing much I can do except run..
atleast back home, I'll go swimming, futsal and running...lots of stuff to do with my siblings n cousins...
I haven't found any girl friends that into futsal here...i miss kicking out..LOL

oh hell...need to sleep now...finally, everything's out my chest..so hopefully, I'll dream a happy dream tonight~

XOXO ♥

...just because...

just because, I miss you

just because, I still can't get myself to hate you

and I can't seem to forget you

just because it's you...

just because, I feel empty without you

just because, I remember the way you hold my hands

just because, I love the feelings I'm feeling when I'm with you

just because~

♥...Dear...♥

the first time I saw you

you looking at me

with that look in your eyes

makes me feel naked

and I hate you from that day on

an unsettling feeling and emotion coming over me

everytime I feel you looking at me

and I feel like everything I do is not right

that look you gave me, gives me a feeling I never felt before

and I hate that alien feeling

so I decided to hate you

Then we move on to the different phase of our life

never thought that I'd see you again

and there you are smiling at me

my heart skip a beat

when you tell me your name and you known mine

that smile of yours have capture my heart there and then

and you make me remember the things I've forget

you remember the clothes that I wear

you remember the colours that I've forget

and I'm touched

slowly time goes by

and you were there when my world comes tumbling down

you were there to pick me up when that person throw me away

you were there

you gave me strength to make it through

you gave me hope when my hope is gone

you gave me the sweet revenge that I need

I know I've been pestering you ever since

I can't seem to go on without you

You were scared, I know

of the past that you seem to not forget

I tried to reach for you but you backed away

and I was scared that you'll hate me

so I try to move on

then you came again when I wasn't expecting you to

you gave me hope and love

you said those words to me

and I feel blessed

it feels like a fairytale story to me

you were there at the middle of the night

you were there to keep me company

you were there to listen to my ramblings

you were there to listen to me sleeping

you were there to brush away my nightmares

but I guess, it's always too much for you

coz you move back into your caccoon

and I'm all alone again

just when I started to forget about you

you came to find me

my heart just won't listen to my head

and I fall for you again

the memories of the forest of fireflies you brought me to

now seems so far away

the way you like to lean your head to mine

the way you touch my hands along the way

the way you called me

makes my heart aches

everytime I remembered the things that you said

the sorry that you asked

the love that you said you have to let go

I thought I could show you

how much I care for you

even when we are apart

you have nothing to be afraid of

but I guess, that fear is much more stronger than my love for you

but you still keep me in this silent

and you even left me alone when I need you most

and now I'm left to tend and bandaged my own wounds

when you said that you scared of hurting me

but when you left, you just did what you're scared of

suddenly I'm back at the core

thinking of her who you like before

did you love her, the way you love me?

is there a chance that there might be traces of her that you still miss?

I'll try to move on while waiting for you to come back

you said you're scared that I'd left you for my true love

Well darling,for me you are my true love

naraj 10'

♥

10.10.10

don't you just love that number?? XD

I'm born on the 10th day...

so 10 has always been my fav no~

It's been a busy week and busy days..

but I feel restless..

I need to get out all this feelings from my system..

But then, not all...

Even if I pour it out, that particular person won't be reading I guess..

Is it so hard to wear your heart on your sleeve???

Well, it doesn't seems hard when he's around me...

But it seems hard when he was around his friends...and when we are far apart...

I miss you Mr Darcy..

I wish I could just pour it out to you, but I guess, I'm afraid that you'll hate me...

The only feeling that I hope you won't feel towards me..

It's good to finally hear your voice last time and I wish I could hear more..

I hope you're doing fine...

I do feel lonely without you...but I guess you're much stronger than I am...coz you never showed it..

All I wanna say is, I'm missing you more and more each day...

Try to forget you, but it seems like I always forget to forget about you...

If you do read this, please take care of yourself when I won't be able to look over you anymore...

I hope you'll be happy with your true love if you ever find yours...

Coz I believe I've found mine...and that's you :D

But I don't know if I can hold on much longer with my health deteriorating each single day...

I don't want to be a real CRIPPLE that would bother your life...anymore..☹

I guess, I'll just let you go

and thank you for all the beautiful memories with the fireflies ♥

naraj 10'

...Walking down memory land...

Looking at some old pictures...well, not that very long...but seems long enough for me...
I miss them...I miss the fun with them...I miss being carefree with them...

they said we've changed...they said we forget all that they've done for us...but we're not...
Just because of a small thing that comes with sincerity, all of us drift apart and though it seems ok now, we always feel like there's a huge wall blocking both of our worlds...
No more fighting over silly things, no more calling each other names...no more...and I hate it...
Why does it have to be this way?
Is it because we're too emphatic that we can feel the hatred and betrayals that you guys think we did...or is it because you guys are too childish to realize that we didn't mean it that way...

I just want the old we back...I just want the peace back...
Spread love...not hatred...

XOXO

...Could it be pride or phobia?...

Been growing up reading, living and practically try to be in one of the literature books.

As a girl, I can't help but to fall in love with Pride & Prejudice...

and as everyone else did, I fall in love with Mr Darcy...

I've been dreaming and looking for my very own Mr Darcy...

But unfortunately, living in this reality, no man as gentleman and as loving though with a pride of his own, exist..

I gave up on that idea long ago...even though I loved imagining that he do exist... ;p

Pride and Prejudice started with how Mr Darcy watch and gave a prideful remarks on Elizabeth Bennet...and how Elizabeth Bennet have a very prejudice feelings towards Mr Darcy after hearing that remarks...

and my story starts with a prejudice feeling towards him...and him, with a pride look on his face while looking at me...

and now...I guess I've found my Mr Darcy *big grin*

and as the real Mr Darcy by Jane Austen, he ran away after he felt his feelings towards Elizabeth grew stronger and doesnt want Caroline to keep hurting Elizabeth's feelings...and my Mr Darcy, ran away because he said he was scared that he'll hurt me... :(

 Real Mr Darcy is full of pride and confidence except in a matter of Elizabeth...

and my Mr Darcy is full of pride but lacks of confidence in my matter...

In my point of view, he really have a low self-esteem...but in front of me only...

but a very strong pride in front of others...

and that low self-esteem is caused by his pride i guess...or his phobia from previous relationship...

and I guess I'm not going to know until he can resolve on his own...just like when real Mr Darcy come to realize that he really needs to be with Elizabeth...

and I hope my Mr Darcy will too~ XD

naraj 10'

...It hurts so bad, it's killing me...

Maybe i know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face
-Paramore 'The Only Exception'-

Watching fireflies with you
Feels like a distants dreams
Now, I'm going to the other realm
Just to forget you

I know you promise me
And you know I love you
But you can't take it
My life without you

Can't you see this is where I belong?
with you're hands in my hands
Wish that day could last
Longer than a day

I tore you out of my heart
and i let it go
But it's you that I dreamed of
and nothing compares to you

I wish you were strong enough
To believe in yourself
and believe in us
but I guess you're not

I plan to keep on holding on
But you sound like you're so distant
and I can barely hear you anymore
When all I dream is to keep this love forever

naraj 10'

...another story...

And the journey continues...

The princess leans towards the light

She tries to hold on to the tree

Try to see the way where the light goes

But suddenly, the tree broke

and she falls from grace again

Then a prince came and save her

He put her back on her feet

and he even try to look for the light with her

He gave her hopes

Treating her scars and bruises

and she fell for him

But as fast and suprising the prince came

He gone the same way

She tries to look for him

She tries to catch up with him

But she can't

She thought she saw him

but it was just an illusion

She thought she'll break into a million pieces

But she didn't, so she stands up on her own this time

She walks the long journey alone

keep falling and bruising herself along the way

The scars that have been treated, slowly open

and blood gush out, trickling down the wounds

She even fall and have a hard time to get up

But with no one to pull her up, she keep going on her own

She tries to believe that she's strong enough to make it through

She's strong enough not to fall again

and that she won't need the prince anymore

and she stop looking his way

After a while,

when she is capable enough to walk steadily

when she believed that she is strong enough and happy on her own

Suddenly the prince came again

offering her his hands

Taking her to places in the forest that she never thought would exist

Looking in the darkness on the almost bared trees

Fills with fireflies and shines like stars on earth

and she fall again for the second time for him

He take her on his horse

Saying how she's the first girl to be on his horse with him riding it

He showed her all the affection he never showed before

and her heart began to sing again

the journey doesn't feel so hard anymore

But occasionally

the prince went away

and she feels lost without him

and she feel scared that he might leave again

coz she doesn't know if she can walk anymore after all that

but when he came back, she feels like, the sun shines brightly on her

her heart warms like drinking hot cocoa on a snowy day

and she hopes that the prince knows how she feels

naraj 10' ♥

...the safest road...

when you hope

You'll either gets what you hope for

Or you'll get crush by it

And either way, it's unavoidable

People say, the way to avoid your heart from being dissappointed

is by not putting any hope on anything or anyone

But, hope always comes unexpectedly

and when it's there in our heart, we can't avoid to feel it

I throw away all my hopes for you

Coz it kills me everytime I do

But then you always come the moment I'm starting to forget you

And gives me hope that it'll start anew

naraj10'

XOXO ♥

...please tell me that it's real...

I try to forget you

Coz you never seem to care

But then you show up again

and I can't help but to fall again

I've missed you

but you never known that

I thought I am strong enough

But I guess I'm wrong

You gave me hope

You showed me love

But theb you dissappeared again

when I needed you most

What should I do?

What have I done?

What are you trying to do?

The fireflies in my heart starts to fade away...

I became a fool when it comes to you

Yet you still want to act cool

Why can't you act like you did that night

Like you really care for me

That moment is perfect

Please don't walk away

I need you now

and I'll hold on to it

naraj10

...It feels like dream to me...

You gave me hope

And I fall deeper into you

But you never tell me the truth

And I was left alone

I thought I could forget you

I thought I could ignore you

I thought I am strong enough to resist you

But I couldn't

And now you came

When I thought it was just a game

and you make me fall even more

and I know I love you

You said to me

Things you've never said before

You do things to me

Things you've never done before

You act around me

The way you've never act before

I thought it was a dream

Coz everything seems surreal

But you held my hands

and I couldn't never let you go

Being with you feels so natural

Like breathing on fresh air

Feeling you is beautiful

Coz I know you're finally here with me

naraj10

XOXO ♥

*It's gnawing inside me slowly bleeding me out...turning into a tourniquet*

how can I stop it?
how can I let it pass just like before?
How can I cope with it?
For how long?

I've change, I know
I'm not in my zen anymore
I keep hurting myself
I keep pushing others away

It started out as a feeling
But I kept it inside
they tried to clawed out
causing me so much bleeding inside

i try to ignore the pain
but it keeps coming on and on again
I don't know if i can take it anymore
But I'll try to keep suppressing it back

Even though some of it have leak through
through the gush that they clawed through
Didn't realize where it began and where it ends
sometimes I forget to smile in order to be strong

naraj'2010

XOXO

...Split personality sometimes hurts...

This trailer looks awesome!!!
I can't wait to see it~~~
Somehow it seems mysterious and surreal...
extract:
A psychological thriller set in the world of New York City ballet, BLACK SWAN stars Natalie Portman as Nina, a featured dancer who finds herself locked in a web of competitive intrigue with a new rival at the company (Mila Kunis). BLACK SWAN takes a thrilling and at times terrifying journey through the psyche of a young ballerina whose starring role as the duplicitous swan queen turns out to be a part for which she becomes frighteningly perfect.

gemini and their split personality disorder...lol
not that I'm saying the character is a gemini..
but i guess as a gemini, I kinda into this kind of things
but I guess, mine are not that serious...of a split a mean~ :D

XOXO

...missing you...

Can't concentrate at all...

supposed to be doing my take home test on multimedia programming...

but instead...here am I~~~ =.=||||

Been dreaming a lot

Of the person that I missed so much

Keep dreaming that he's still here

with me and besides me

Still holding me

still protecting me

still making me feel special

and I miss being his little princess

the rueful feeling that i still felt

up till now I regret those days

been a while since I talk to him

and in the end, only able to kiss him goodbye

I couldnt believe it

I couldnt take the truth

But I try to be strong

Not just for me...but for everyone

Keep dreaming of a second chance

where I could ask for his forgiveness

where I could love him more and tell him that

where I could spent more time on his last days

If only I'd knew what I knew today

I hope I've been the daughter that you want me to be

I hope you're proud of me as you usually do

I hope I could hug you one last time

I miss you daddy~~~ :'(

naraj'10

...thanks for the lies...

you're the one I hold on to

you're the one I trust

you're the one that I look for in my blackest moment

and you're always there

you're the one that I hope for

someone that could always be there for me

you never said those words I longed for

but you did play around saying I'm yours

My hopes, my dreams...

Always thought we had a bond that no one can destroy

Eventhough we are far apart

I put my faith in you

Maybe happy endings are not meant for me

When I discover the truth about you and her

How you like her and confess to her

Eventhough she has someone else by her side

I was devastated

But then i feel relieved

Maybe I'm a masochist who loves to hurt myself

and I know, being with you can destroy me in the end

I still miss you

I left you without words

but I guess, I dont want to be that girl anymore

Someone who you could lie to

Maybe you dont want to hurt me

By telling how you loathe me

But I'd rather die than having your lies in me

Coz it kills me when I know that the two person that I trust is the one that betrayed me in the end

naraj'10©

XOXO

...meant to be sad...

You came as a beautiful serenade

The one that I barely forget

You're the inspiration of the beautiful melody in my heart

Since the first day that I saw you

Little did I know

The truth that makes me feel so alone
The beautiful song suddenly became a sad melody

that keeps playing in my head

I wish you would know

How you affect me so

But I guess it's something I shouldn't put my hopes on

And maybe, beautiful serenade are meant to be sad~~~

naraj'10 ©

XOXO

..the remedy to my soul...

Cocoa drinks!!!!!!

Since i felt so lost, i decided to try to ease the pain inside...which i have no idea how...

and fortunately, me and my friends was doing our storyboard on the application that we supposed to do...

and it's about chocolate!!!!!

Mabushiii!!!!

LOL~~~

so, otw back home, i decided to find some my fav cocoa powder and fortunately i did~~~

and i keep drinking it all this week...

and~~~

voila!!!~~~

my mood is better, my soul feels good~~~ and i get sugar rush~~~

hahahhahaa~~

can't seem to control myself~~

Oh well, i did self motivate myself a lot~

plus, keep reading some quotes that really makes me think a lot~~

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."

-Maya Angelou-

so, I decided to change the situation I'm in and make the best out of it~~~

i guess i did lost myself for a while...

and now, I manage to find myself little by little...all by myself...

naraj10

XOXO