Demons

Everyone have their own demons

That inner voice that keeps telling you

That you are not good enough

That voice that keep making you doubt

Making you feel that everything is bleak

Making you feel alone with no one to turn to

Making you feel like you're out of breath

And suffocated when you try to keep it inside

And pretend that you are okay

Some people are good at hiding it

Some people become more kind and emphatic

Coz they try to make it easier for others

And ease their burdens

Some people become more cruel and heartless

Wanting them to feel the pain that they are feeling

Wanting others to suffer as they suffers too

Some people just keep getting drown into the abyss

Especially when they don't want people to know

I've been there...

Half of my life i was good at hiding it

And pouring it own on pen and papers

And burn it out so people wont find out

How dark my thoughts are

How i yearn for death more than i ever counted

Ever since i was young

How blood is fascinating to me whenever i cut myself

Just to feel the pain externally to silenced out the internal ones

How night skies is my favourite scenery

Wishing i could fly far far away from this mundane and bleak world

And those times, those pain turns me into who i am

And i dont want others to go thru the same

I've been feeling rueful of how i live my younger days

Trying so hard to be someone perfect

Just so everyone would love me

But now, i just want to be good and happy as i am

I just want to love myself more

And do whatever bring peace to my heart

And those demons inside me?

They are my friends now

To remind me, so i will keep my head down

To remind me not to put my nose up high

Forgetting the suffering other might be going through

Sometimes those demons gets too full of themselves

And engulfing me in the darkness

But my heart is always full of hope

I believed that is my strongest weapon, hope

And i always hope that no matter how dark it is

I can still see the silver lining that will pull me through

And that is why i always try

To be someone who can help others see

The silver lining in their own misery

Hoping that, by saving them

I can save myself too

And that i lived and loved with all that i have

And leaving them remembering me

As someone who is full of hope and kindness

And not the demons that's suffocating me inside

-naraj2020-

unsure

Being an empath during these pandemic actually hurts. Alot.

At first, i don't really understand the overwhelming roller coaster of emotions that i have been having. 

It was hard, cause i thought it was due to some incident that happen to my heart. 

But i had make peace with my heart and mind on that topic, though sometimes i do feel like not giving up but i dont want to push something that was not welcome.

Then i realized, everyone around me was affected emotionally due to this pandemic. 

The insecurities, the anxieties they have, everything was being absorb by me and taking a toll in my heart and making me confused. I was down with insomnia since the start of this lockdown, that is why i was concerned about others around me to make sure they have enough sleep while they can. 

My insomnia leads to my anxiety attack, low immune system, and recently just recovered from a slight attack due to my immune system disorder. Still trying my best to make sure no other attack will come. 

So at times, i just shut off the world. Ignore my phone or any news or post that could trigger the emotional rundown again. I ignore people msg and only replied them when i feel stable enough to help them go through whatever they are going through without riling up my own emotion. I even try not to make any emotion-related conversation with my housemate by ignoring her. 

I would turn to books, or arts stuff and just listen to soothing songs. 

I can't stand the quietness, as it makes the voices in my head louder. I can't turn to nature like i would usually do.

As hard it is for me, i guess it feels harder for others, coz i can feel that and as usual i feel the need to fix that. 

But i can't. 

So for now, all i can do is shut off my emotion from the world and try to stay oblivious enough to make sure my empath doesnt consume me as it almost did.

And i'm sorry for the people that try to reach out to me for help and also asking about me and my condition. 

Sometimes i lied, coz i just dont want to dwell in it too much at these times. Its easier for me to write it down than to talk about it. 

And i hope everyone is coping much better than i am. 

Coz even i am unsure if my coping mechanism will actually works or not, but it does helps in slowly fixing my sleeping pattern, eventhough i still cant get enough proper sleep. 

But for now, 'ignorance is bliss', gave a whole new meaning for me. 

-naraj2020-

i was here

I want to leave my footprints on the sand of time
Know there was something that I left behind
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets
Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I wanna say I lived each day until I died
You know that I been something in somebody's life
The hearts I have touched
Will be the proof that I leave
That I made a difference
And this world will see

I was here, I lived, I loved

I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know 

I was here

I just want them to know
That I gave my all, did my best
Brought someone some happiness
Left this world a little better just because

I was here

this love

Clear blue water
High tide, came and brought you in
And I could go on and on, on and on
And I will, skies grow darker, currents swept you out again
And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone
In silent screams, and wildest dreams
I never dreamed of this

This love is good
This love is bad
This love is a life back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free

Tossing, turning, struggle through the night for someone new
And I could go on and on, on and on
Lanterns burning, flickered in the mind only you
But you were still gone, gone, gone
Been losing grip, on sinking ships
You showed up, just in time

This love is good
This love is bad
This love is a life back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free

This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark
These hands had to let it go free