that feeling...

its something that makes you warm inside
its something that feels fuzzy in your heart
its something that makes you remind of your innocent years
its something that reminds you of how pure your feelings back then
its something that makes you realize how far you've grown
its something that makes you miss that childish crush without any hurt
its something that makes you realize how twisted the meaning of love that you've dreamt of and what you've encountered
its something that makes you wish you can love in that pure and innocent way again
its something that makes you walk down the memory lane
its something that reminded me of how nervous i am whenever i'm around you
its something that reminded me of how i used to get tounge-tied whenever i tried to talk to you
its that welcoming feeling when you come over and said hi to me in that magical place
its that nice and warming handshakes that makes my heart skips a beat
its just something about you that makes me feel like the little girl i used to be...

xoxo
-naraj2012-

constantly

running...avoiding
its what i learn to do
to avoid getting people around me hurt
its tiring
its exhausting
not one place satisfied
not one place feels that its enough

i dont know when will it be

pack up

everything thats happen
all the bad things
all the sad things
all the heartbreaking thing
at the end of the day
pack it up well
secure it tightly
and throw it into the pandora box

the smile maybe deceiving
the cheerfulness maybe alluring
its all just a mindset
to keep you on your feet
to stay on the solid ground
to save yourself from falling
deeper into the ground

the need to run
and let your heart beats fast
let your lungs strained
gasping for air
the exhiliration after the pain
makes you feel free and strong

and that is what i need...

...ibuprofen...

when you thought that it's over

suddenly it came back to haunt you

when you thought that it's in the past

they'll show up to remind you

when you thought that everything is gonna be alright

suddenly the sail broke into two

when you thought that this time you can endure it better

suddenly you feel helpless

sometimes the day feels so long

and night feels so restless

and you woke up feeling confused

about all the things your mind plays for you

prozac perhaps you could help

lithium perhaps you could fail

deranged maybe I am

but this mind seem to start losing itself in the maze

pains come and go

shaking hands and dysfunctional legs

losing breath is a routine

wonder what else is coming in

-naraj2012-

...so he says...

starts doodling again...
thanks to sharpie with the beautiful colours and fabric marker...
*yeay*

oh well, so instead of fixing my codes, i'm writing blog post...lol
the office is so quite as lots of people are taking their leave considering yesterday was public holiday and today is friday...so alang2 one... =_=

and so, mr brain told me that instead of the poem-like post, maybe i should doodle everything..
hahaha...dont think i'm dat good enough..huhu.. T_T

and yes ahjussi....mr brain is you...hahaha..i know u're reading it again..and thank you for the comments.. :P
i'll consider it...

but writing is my forte rather than doodling like you... hey, maybe your new blog should be like Jian Goh dude or Boey's blog..hehe..its adorable..

xoxo ♥

...mr brain...

...learn...

...the last time...

You find yourself at my door,
Just like all those times before,
You wear your best apology,
But I was there to watch you leave,

And all the times I let you in,
Just for you to go again,
Disappear when you come back,
Everything is better.

When right before your eyes,
I’m aching, run fast,
Nowhere to hide,
Just you and me…

This is the last time I’m asking you this,
Put my name at the top of your list,
This is the last time I’m asking you why,
You break my heart in the blink of an eye...

This is the last time you tell me I’ve got it wrong,
This is the last time I say it’s been you all along,
This is the last time I let you in my door,
This is the last time, I won’t hurt you anymore.

...sad beautiful tragic...

Long handwritten note 

deep in your pocket
Words, 

how little they mean when you're a little too late
I stood right by the tracks,

 your face in a locket
Good girls, hopeful they'll be 

and long they will wait

We had a beautiful magic love there
What a sad beautiful tragic love affair

In dreams I meet you in warm conversation
We both wake in lonely beds different cities
And time is taking its sweet time erasing you
And you've got your demons, and darling, they all look like me

'Cause we had a beautiful magic love there
What a sad beautiful tragic love affair

Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting
Silence, this train runs off its tracks
Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen?
Hang up, give up, for the life of us we can't get back
What we had a beautiful magic love there
What a sad beautiful tragic love affair

...silence...

its funny
looking back at the past
how after all those years without anyone
residing in that corner of my heart
i felt as if i've grown and know better
of what a fool that i've been
and i'm feeling invisible by thinking i am strong enough
to be indipendent
to be my own self
to be alone
and how silly it is
in just a day
all those lessons that i've learnt
are of no use to me the moment you hold ny hands
i told myself over and over again
i dont wanna be where we were before
and yet here we are again
and this time its hard for me to walk away

these hope is treacherous
these daydream is dangerous

...and then you kissed me...

Man I’ve had a few
But they wouldn’t quite blow me like you
You gave me your name and sight
With a halo around my eye
And it hits me like never before
That love is a powerful force
Yes it struck me that love is as bored
So I pushed you a little bit more

Love, you’re news to me
You’re a little bit more then I thought you’d be
A mow in my well fed lawn
You’re a nightmare beating the dawn
Oh it hits me like never before
That love is a powerful force
Yes it struck me that love is a sport
So I pushed you a little bit more

Blue, blue, black and blue
Red blood sticks like glue
True love is cruel love
Red blood say power fuel
Sweet love tasty blood
My heart overfloods

Oh you hit me
Yeah you hit me really hard
Man you hit me
Yeah you hit me right in the heart
Lord I’ve had my deal
But I never quite knew how it feels
When love makes you wake up soar
With fists that are ready for more

And it hits me that love is a game
Like in war no one can be blamed
Yes it struck me that love is a sport
So I pushed you a little bit more

Blue, blue, black and blue
Red blood sticks like glue
True love is cruel love
Red blood say power fuel
Sweet love tasty blood
My heart overfloods

Man you hit me
Yeah you hit me really hard
Baby you hit me
Yeah you punched me right in the heart
And then you kissed me
And then you hit me

Oh you hold me with your violent heartbeat at night
Oh you strike me with your silence baby tonight
Why you hold me with your violence baby come hit me
You hold me with your violent heartbeat

...i dont know...

this head keep thinking
keep wishing that you'd still care
keep hoping that you'd stay
despite all the the pushing you away

this heart still misses you
still craving your presence next to me
wishing for something that I shouldn't be wishing for
wishing for the moment when you wish the time would stop

but my heart
wished for things to be like it used to
wished for times when I don't even care
wished for the days when my heart is not affected at all

its tiring
its taking a toll on me
the hurt when you don't seem like you care
the pain when i remembered that morning message she sent to you

stand still...and look pretty

sometimes i just want to paint up my face
and pretend that i am someone else
sometimes i get so fed up
i dont wanna look at myself

but people have problems that are worse than mine
i dont want you to think that i'm complaining all the time
i wish that everyone would go and shut their mouth
i'm not strong enough to deal with it

i am slowly falling apart
i wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
you think its easy being me
you just stand still and look pretty

sometimes i find myself
shaking in the middle of the night
then it hits me
and i cant believe this is my life

thoughts...in case...

i'm the kind of girl who loves to do things spontaneously
i'm the kind of girl who loves to live in the moment
i'm the kind of girl who loves unconditionally
i'm the kind of girl whose head keep running overtime thinking
i'm the kind of girl who are clumsy enough to drop things or myself
i'm the kind of girl who gets a full phrase of poems-like words in a minute, but forgot all of it the next minute
i'm the kind of girl who loves to write my thoughts ever since i'm a lil kid
i'm the kind of girl that needs someone to remind myself who i really am
i'm the kind of girl who needs someone to protect her from herself coz she keeps getting into her own mess
i'm the kind of girl who needs to read and write her own thoughts to remember how she used to be
i'm the kind of girl who wear her heart on her sleeves and end up broken
i'm the kind of girl that my bestfriend would say as 'stupid' for thinking of others instead of myself
and to know who i really am...i need to keep writing it down
and read it incase i got lost and doesnt remember who am i before
to find a solid ground to step on when my worlds are falling apart
to make sure that i'm still alive to experienced all the emotion a human could feel
to know what pain, hurt, love, happiness and all the other emotions has built me into
to know that i am blessed for living this long to know the beautiful world and the beautiful people in it
to experienced love, betrayal, hatred, friendship...

i can be hateful and revengeful sometimes
but being an altruistic, i never get far with those feelings
coz in the end i would forgive...

shedding some lights

 

xoxo 

give me a reason

Watch "P!nk - Just Give Me A Reason (Official Lyric Video)" on YouTube

life it is

no one leds a miserable life unless you allowed yourself to...♥

 

 

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

leave the pieces

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone

You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that

Its alright, I'll be fine
Dont worry bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road

There's nothing you can do or say
You gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you're gone...

...broken to pieces...

Been wishing you would notice me for so long
Been praying that one day you'll feel the same
Been hoping that i could call you mine
Been dying to know how you actually feel bout me

Now its here
The day when you finally said those three words
It breaks my heart coz i still couldnt call you mine
And its crystal clear that barrier you would never cross

I hate the fact that i couldnt stay away
I hate the fact that i broke you to pieces
I hate the fact that i couldnt hug you in your lowest moment
I hate that i cared too much...


-naraj2012-

...this is me understanding...

Everything is not always what we want
Every single day is a battle for everyone
Its not that i'm leaving you behind
Its just that i've understood what we've become

I am understanding you
I am understanding us
I am understanding me
I am understanding the future

I'm giving my heart away by calling you dear
I didnt realize that you've come this far
You said you don't wanna hurt me
Well honey,having what we have now its killing me

You told me yourself we will never be together
You told me yourself we dont have a future
So tell me why should i stay and let my heart sore
By standing besides you and know we're gonna be astray

Its complicated is what you always said
And i know you're trying to straighten up your life
But i dont think i'm strong enough
To stay there and then watch you walk away

If being like this is the kind of friendship you wish for
Then I'd rather not board this ship at all
Coz my heart is fragile
Despite the coldness that surrounds it now

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

...where i stood...

I dont know what i've done
Or if i like what i've begun
But something told me to run
And honey, you know me its all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That i should go and this should end
And i found myself listening

See i thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And i think i'm just as torn inside

Coz i dont know who i am without you
All i know is thay i should
And i dont know if i could stand another hand upon you
All i know is that i should
Coz she will love you more than i could
She who dares to stand where i stood

And i wont be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone i ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so i say to you
This is what i have to do...

...the end...

Its time to let go
Its time for me to protect this heart of mine
Its time for me to face the truth
Its time for me to realize it wasnt true
Not with you

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

...riverside...

here i am again

standing and strolling by the riverside

with a belief that I'm strong enough

strong enough to denied the temptation

the water's calling

the current is soothing

it makes my heart race

dying to jump into it again

I thought I was strong

to just looking at it by the riverside

but I guess I was wrong

as I feel myself slowly walking towards the edge

I hesitate, and I stopped

but I can't help myself from jumping

now I find myself sinking deep

slowly drowning

the water looked calm and tantalizing

but now that I'm inside

I can feel myself gasping for air

I need the surface to keep my head clear

I don't know how to survive this time around

Coz I've jumped too far ahead

With no hands or branch for me to hold on to

All I can do is to pray that I am strong enough

Strong enough to save myself

Strong enough to swim myself to the riverside

And decided not to look back ever again

Coz something told me to run

-Jonker Street, Melaka-

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

...all i wanted...

all i wanted
Was to know that heart of yours
Was it in sync with mine

Or am i standing alone
It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you

All i have..all i need
Is the air i would kill to breath

You could be my hero
If only i could let go
Coz it feels like a broken arrow
That's still in me

....Four Leaf Clover...

Boy, you let me down
I tried too hard & I feel numb now
That crooked smile & your charm that drew me in
Your beautiful eyes,
Can hide so many things
You were my Four Leaf Clover
My pure white dove
You were my lightning strike & my knock on wood
My hope & my faith
My luck & love
You were my shooting star
That lit up the sky
Then you broke the mirror & my heart died
No hope & no faith
No luck, no love
Just ordinary now
I'm not crying
But I thought you were the perfect thing for me
Don't get me wrong
You can be wonderful sometimes
But then you're lost
And you can't look me in the eyes

...i'd do it all over again...

everytime you came to me...
You're broken...
And i've given my all to mend you...
But you chose the road to destruction again and again...
Everybody hurts someday...
Everybody feels this way...
You're the one who decide...
Whether to mend yourself...
Or continue to be broken...
Or to be a jerk to yourself...

Love is not something you can choose...
Its either you felt it or you dont...
Its either you are sincere or you're not...
Its either you love the physical thing or the heart inside...

I have done all I can to save you...
But you still choose to stray away...

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

~Between you and i~

And its been years...
Since i last met you and shed my tears..
Never thought that we could be like this again...
And you keep saying how sorry you are...
Between you and i..
There will always be another girl that drift us apart..
Between you and i..
You will always keep leaving me to mend myself..
Between you and i..
You will keep coming back with those sorry's..
Between you and i..
I'll be foolish enough to trust you again and again...
Between you and i..
You never believed for our happy ending..
Between you and i..
I keep thinking that i was just your rebound..
Between you and i..
Your affection leds to my destruction..
Between you and i..
Its always been me who'd left with brokenheart...
Between you and i..
We had something beautiful...
But so dysfunctional,
Coz i knew you would never love me back...
Yet...i feel better near to you...

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

...running...

She gets up after she was slammed face down to the earth,
She starts with a slow crawl to find the lights
Still she stumbles along the way due to the vines
Still she bleeds getting through every thorns along the way

It was painful and it was torture 
Sometimes she rue her decision of carrying on
But after a while, she became jaded
All the pain and the cries has become dull

And then she runs with all her heart desire
and she breathe all the air that she's loving
and she sings all the beautiful serenade that she knows
and she begin to love herself more

The forest is still dark,there's nothing that she can see
but she keep on running based on her instinct
to find the lights that could make her see
all the beautiful things that her eyes crave to feast

there was a shine, a blinking distant light
she couldn't be sure but it gave her the sight
it makes her happy, it gives her joy
but that light keep blinking and it makes her heart sore

She was hopeful that the light would stays
To keep on shining throughout the journey
But the light can be misleading
and she might end up with a poach heart and bleeding

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

got both feet in...

Hey I just met you but this is crazy...

yaa...the song keeps ringing in my head when i see him..
hmm..i'm guessing its possible, due to the catchy tune and the funny videoclip,
though i hope he's not gay like the one in the clip..lol

i don't know how he is in real life...
he looks very adorable and awkward when you see him...
but when you chat or text with him, he sounds funny and have deep thoughts...

maybe because he was born a lil later than me,
so I keep having these thoughts of wanting to know him and protecting him..
and the cute face makes me feel that way too..hehe XP

he have these kind of face that makes you say adorable...
cute and childlike...and the way he walks...just cute!hahaha..
he's always being nice to me...well maybe he thinks that i'm lonely in that place...
lonely? not really..but bored when i have no task to do yeah...hehe
plus, he's funny and its nice chatting with him...and quite a teaser himself...

maybe i shouldn't play teasing with him...coz I'm not a teaser and I end up saying sincere and honest words while others thinks I'm teasing~ =.=

though most of the times i think i'm annoying him...lol
but still, I can't stop myself from looking for him...
like my own brand of drugs...lol...very bad for me but still can't resist the temptations.. *die*

the innocence that glows within him...
attracts me from the first sight..
like how a moth is attracted to light..
that's how I feel when I see him...
and to see his name appear on my phone or even my chatbox...
makes me smile without any solid reason...
huh..i guess I am getting deranged~ hoh my~~ 0.0

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

...this heart of mine...

Ramadhan is ending soon...

It's sad...I don't want it to end...

A month of blessings and full of love from God to us...

Syawal?

Not that I'm not happy for it...

It's just, have to face the first day of raya at my grams house...with the uncles and aunts from my father's side there...and the raya prayer...and the crying that would definitely come after that...reminiscing about daddy...

It's just to heartbreaking for me...

Still trying and pretend to be strong every time I talked about daddy, but when all of them are crying on the first day of raya thinking how we missed him so much...It's too painful and I'm not eager for that moment...at all...

I don't want to cry...coz I know, that would pain him in his peace knowing people are still grieving for him...

And I know that he is in a better place...Insya-Allah...Allah loves him better than we do...

Daddy, your little princess misses you a lot...I just wish I could hug you for one more time...coz I still remember the moment where I hugged & kissed your cold body for the last time...I miss you daddy...

"Ya Allah, please forgive all his sins and all my sins that makes him suffer..."

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

....Chasing down the yesteryears...

Yes...I am...

Gonna go and track down...

Every single bit of it...

The Story...

Of how...

this person I am...

able to wander...

on this earth...

and a Proud Sarawakian today...

Gonna go...

to all the sources....

from the great...

great...

great...

great grandfather...Lim Teck Sim

to the great....

great...

great grandfather Pangeran X...

a name not to be disclosed yet....

Gonna find those...

pieces of puzzles...

tracking down...

stalking the past...

and make it my newest project to come!

Yeay!

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

...in the rough...

after all of the years,

living in this ship,

I've never thought that it would sink,

and making a mess out of me...

now this shipwreck is blocking my path,

making what's beyond me become dark,

and I know I need to move on,

before I run out of air...

I'll tear those shattered pieces,

even if I know that my hands would bleed,

but I will keep going on even if it'll dry me out,

coz in the end it will heal and I'll be moving on...

-naraj©2012-

xoxo ♥

Eyes Open

Why??

I keep wondering why...

why now? why them?

Been listening a lot to Taylor Swift's Eyes Open lately and learning the guitar chords for it..hence the title...

Also, as a reminder to myself to always keep my eyes open...and be alert!~ o.0 (for what, i dont even know)

Ya see...my first ex...he's a nice guy...it's just, i guess for the first one, I'm expecting the kind of guy who would worshiped me and be all over me when we were in a relationship...though I admit, I dont really feel that exited about him, I'm just in love with the idea of being in love for the first time...which I know by now it's not really love... x_x
after 7years of dumping him over the phone, ( as we are far apart and I haven't receive any news from him more than a week )...suddenly my cousin called me and ask, do know this guy that claimed to know me and used to be very close to me like his own family?? ( mind you, we rarely speak or msg each other back then..and we're in a r/ship not more than 3weeks i guess )

she told me his name, and its quite a unique name, so of course I know straight away, though the facts is not that true..haha..

so, my cousin was so excited and try to get us together again, but thankfully, he's in relationship now... *phew* ...and she stops talking about him...

and I thought, wow, it really is a small world and it's kinda nice to know that he still remembers something that I forget already...up until his name showed up again.. *ngeehehee*

then, my other cousin ( a boy this time )...he's working as some state officials that requires him to go to remote places and what not...even though its tiring, but its kinda nice, having to travel around to places you wouldn't even know exist..

so, one day he came to our grams house ( i was there that day ) with a new car...my dream car at that, so i asked him, who's car is that? and he said, it was his friend...the one who's working with him now...and he asked me if I know him..as we are from the same Uni maybe different year...and he told me the name...the son-of-a-bitch-that-I'd-rather-forget name...dang! of all people...now I feel like I'm cursed~hahhaa... that guy used to be my scandal until I broke it off with him, coz being with him, ya at first i feel like in a fairytale kind of relationship, until I found out that he has a gf back home, and all the scandals that he used to have before me, which is a lot!...turns out that he have the reputation of a player among the guys coz he's very slick among girls...sound so goodytwoshoes that you can't believe of what he capable of...enough said, I tried..i said TRIED getting rid of him so hard...can't believe he turns out to be a stalker as I was the first girl ever dumping him...*hell yeah~ I'm proud of me!! XD*...he stalks me and even tried to sweet talk me into getting together with him again...oh-my-goodness...such a nightmare..

soooo...worried of my freedom from the stalker, i told my cousin not to ever mention my name or having knowing me in front of him in any case...being the annoying cousin he is, he threatened me into telling him if i didnt tell him "our" story...so i just told him that he used to be my stalker that could really be my worst-nightmare-coming-true, and thankfully he's happy with that explanation...

The world is indeed very small...and I just wish to never ever even bumped into that stalker ever...EVER! 

xoxo,

naraj©2012

downloading-maniac-on-the-move

Happy New Year everyone!
Ya, I know, it's march already and I'm still saying happy new year to you.. =.=''
the thing is, I've been so occupied with all my school work before and due to nada internet connection, I'm not able to update anything...and usually my ideas would come when I'm in no possible condition to online...
geezz...i think my grammar's getting terrible...due to less rambling in writing and when I do ramble while talking with friends, I don't even know what me myself are saying...hahhaa.. m_m

so, finally, I'm a graduate student!!! yeay! Done with my bachelor degree in multimedia computing...just got back to my hometown almost 1 month now...
as usual, will be the Rapunzella (which is Cinderella + Rapunzel, Cinderella for doing all the house chores, and Rapunzel for being "trapped" in these huge house of mine in the middle of the forest..coz I have no license or any transport to go anywhere)

see, I told you, my house is in the middle of forest...the one with the yellow arrow...hahaha...

anyway, back then books is the only salvation for me..coz tv can be too boring...and now that I've got the wifi connection for my house, I've became a download maniac~ Noooooo!!!!!!!!   )o.0( 

not that I intend to...was thinking of doing some freelancing while looking for jobs...but then, seems that my siblings are all addicted to Korean Variety shows nowadays, esp Running Man, so I'm the only 'man' that are capable of looking for all the downloading links for the latest  episodes..thus, that what I've been doing since I have this internet connection...A bliss!!! muahahahhaaa!!! <---evil laugh =.=''
not just running man, I've been busy downloading English series ,Korean drama series, Japanese drama series and also Taiwan drama series...woot!! not to forget, Movies!!!!!...hahaha... thats why i dont mind being a Rapunzel..hehehee~


well, most of the days I do spent it at my grams house, but then I have to wake up at 5am to be able to follow my mom and sister and ask them to send me to grams house b4 they went for work...very early indeed..coz they need to send my lil sister to her school which always jammed by 7am..so, to escape all the traffic, they prefer to go as early as possible.

ok, back to the downloading part...as all the downloaders know, movies and drama series can took a lot of space..so now, everything is RED in my laptop and ext harddisk..my 1.5TB...guess i need more now, as I'm addicted to downloading old drama series like Charmed!! ooohhh~ i miss those old days~

oh well, enough rambling for now..gotta go...need to prepare for dinner~ ciao~

-naraj2012-